"...And the award for best actor goes to...Brent!" I had a desire to become an actor. I really wanted to be a comedic actor. I wanted to make people laugh and I wanted to get a script that was filled with social commentary, witty comebacks and insight that only the truly wise to things of the humorous nature would understand or appreciate. I wanted to be a dramatic actor. I wanted to star in a movie that was so controversial it would leave people talking about it for weeks after. It would break social norms and it would question what you thought you knew. I wanted to be an actor. But my dad once asked me "well, okay, but what do you really want to do? What do you want to be your serious career?" and with that, I reorganized my life, gave up on my dream and looked into real careers that actually provide a means for a family: architect, doctor, lawyer, politician. Only problem is, all of these professions are just so BORING! I am terrible at math so architect was out. I feel the urge to vomit every time I get a nosebleed at the sight of any blood: so much for a doctor. My grandfather was a lawyer and hearing about the many people who have done terrible things that my grandfather would have to cover up and make go away on a technicality...lawyer seemed more like liar to me. (incidentally, my grandfather was a terrible lawyer who cared too much for what was right and wrong and had a hard time lying and that makes me happy) and politician...well...moving on. I could go on and on about the various jobs and careers that I thought would make me happy and that would bring success to my family and make me filthy rich, because basically that is the only way you can be happy, right? But that isn't my point. My post has taken a very long journey away from my point...it happens to me sometimes. My point is I never thought I would be an actor. As it turns out, I'm an amazing actor. For almost 21 years I played the part of heterosexual male. For almost 7 years I played the part of a contented homosexual husband. And for the last year, I've cast myself in the role of man who has it all figured out. To act, to me, means that you tell a very convincing lie. Leonardo Dicaprio almost had me fooled as a boy who froze to death and drown in the 1920's after a terrifying cruise. Jim Carey really had me convinced that he was a pawn in some T.V. Show creator's game. (good afternoon, good evening, and good night) What I'm saying is when we act, we tell a story. As an actor, we put ourselves in the place of the character we are playing. I've been acting for a LONG time. I'm getting pretty good at it. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who's the character and who's the real me. It makes it a lot easier to figure that out when I am honest with myself. For 21 years, I wasn't honest with the fact that I was attracted to guys. For 7 years, I wasn't honest with myself or my partner; telling myself that I was content and blissfully happy. And for the last year, I haven't been honest with my fears. I don't have it all figured out, and that scares me. It's exhausting being an actor all the time. We all act. We all put on a happy face and we all play the part of perfect person with a perfect past (that's a lot of P's...anyways) I watched an interview recently of Jennifer Lawrence. I think it's safe to say that most people love her. I think I figured out why. Yes, she is an actress...but not when it comes to her real life. She's just that: she's real. It's refreshing to see someone who says how she feels and what she thinks. We tend to get this picture of actors and actresses in our minds that they are flawless and perfect. We weren't with Ellen Degeneres the night that she fell into deep despair. (though she has talked about it and it was eye-opening and made me love her more) We forget that Katy Perry didn't want to perform after her divorce from Russell Brand because she has feelings too and a heart that also breaks. We can't know how Jennifer Aniston feels about not having a child yet. Maybe that's the way she wants it. Maybe she cries at night wondering if she will ever be able to hear the sound of children in her home. Ellen Degeneres is perfect, Katy Perry is flawless, Jennifer Aniston can do no wrong. This is not just the approach we take towards actors only. "Jason's mother is perfect. She sewed costumes for the school play, volunteered at the homeless shelter, did her hair AND put on make-up, (which doesn't seem like a big deal...mothers will know what I'm talking about though) and still has time to write a successful blog and cook home made meals for her family and for the Adam's family whose daughter has been in the hospital." We compare our lives to other perfect lives and we feel defeated. We don't have a sexy, gorgeous husband who loves us like Helen has. We don't have a skinny waist and beautiful hair like Annie has. We don't have an amazing car and a boat like Frank does. We also don't know that Helen's husband is cheating on her with his secretary; that Annie is so skinny because she hates her body and has stopped eating all together; that Frank is paying off mountains of debt caused by buying a fancy car and a boat on credit. We fail to see the amazing things in our lives because we are looking at the many, seemingly, amazing things in another's life. I've been acting for far too long. Why do I put on a show? Sometimes, I am not fun to be around. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I yell at myself for the stupid things I did in my past and for the mistakes that I can't seem to get rid of in my present. Sometimes, I hate myself for the way that I am and sometimes, I fear that I will never find anyone because of the way that I am. I have faults, I get distracted by worldly things, I say something unkind to someone or talk ill of someone behind their back, I lie about my smile. Why? I honestly don't have an answer. Maybe it's because I feel I need to keep up with perfect lives I see in others. Maybe it's just too upsetting or too difficult to put away the act and the actor and be genuine, real, and raw. Whatever the reason, my attempts at this blog are to show my vulnerability, my goofy and awkward real self, and my pain and imperfections. I have a friend, who has a friend, who is suffering from deep depression and suicidal thinking. I can't help but wonder if this person just can't handle the happiness he sees in everyone's perfect life. I wonder if he just doesn't know that there are others out there who are not happy like he is. He probably doesn't know that I, or his cousin, or his teacher, or the post man, are going through a similar situation and could help him. He probably doesn't know that because I, his cousin, his teacher, or the post man am not being honest. I put on a brave face, his cousin tells him how awesome her life is, his teacher tells him to stop complaining and that life isn't that hard, and the post man gives him a smile every day even though both the post man and this young man want to cry. Our task? Stop acting. Stop putting on a show. Be genuine. That might sound depressing. "be sad! Tell people how awful your life is!!" That's not what I'm saying. I have an amazing life! I am so blessed! But I also recognize that I have sad days, hard moments, and upsetting times that aren't perfect. But, such is life! Everyone has a great life! Everyone is richly blessed and has so many happy things and happy times. Everyone has trials too. I guess what I am saying is let's be honest with each other. "Mike, I just can't do this today. I'm feeling sad today." "Mom, I'm not feeling beautiful today. Help me feel beautiful" "Hey bro, I got your text and I totally understand your worries about marriage. It's not easy. My wife and I don't have fun all the time. We get mad at each other too." When we are more open in our communications, when we can be honest about our own shortcomings or even be honest about our blessings, but the hard work that it takes to receive those blessings, then we can get closer to putting away the act and get closer to becoming our real and refreshing self. End Scene.