My Sims life is getting complicated. It's hard to decide which life I want to live vicariously through. One Sim is artistic, his wife is also artistic. They don't have kids because they want to spend time getting to know each other better. She's a photographer, he's an interior designer. My other Sim and his wife have 7 kids and they aspire to have grand children and see their kids grow up to be happy. She is a stay-at-home mom and he is a retired chef. Yet another Sim and his wife are adventurers. They go on trips and she wants to own her own resort. I've created at least 10 different lives with 10 different women. It gets tricky because I don't know which Sim man I want to be and with which Sim wife I want to be with. Real life is a thousand times more tricky... I have a tendency to over-think things. My recent over-thinking session dealt with my future wife. I came to 2 polarized opposite conclusions. 1: My future wife doesn't exist and 2:God has control, she is out there, and I just lack faith. 1. My future wife doesn't exist: If I were to place an ad for my wife, it would read something like this: WANTED: The Perfect Woman for a Hopelessly Imperfect Man. Single (makes things less complicated) Non-smoker, Non-drinker, Non-Judgmental. Preferably not a pet person, but if she needs a pet, must be a cat person. Likes: "What's up, Doc?" starring Barbra Streisand in, arguably one of her best roles, "Apple Blossom Time" sung by either the Andrews Sisters or Emmy Rossum, Sushi (love of wasabi is a definite bonus), and anything spontaneous(if you have to ask for an idea of what's spontaneous, then you need not apply). Must be patient with children, because I have a hard time with that. Must be frugal, but not annoying about it. Patient with me and my inability to think and/or act like a responsible adult. Needs to walk into a room and take my breath away, even in her pajamas. Must be in love with God and Jesus and be able to inspire me to have a better relationship with said Deity. I need someone to build my faith: faith in God, in humanity, in myself. Make me laugh harder than I laugh when I'm by myself. Be as funny as Melissa McCarthy, as beautiful as Dianna Agron, as quirky as Zooey Deschanel, as kind as Mother Teresa, as refined as Joanna Lumley, and as kick-butt as Rosario Dawson. Cry with me, pick me up, make me think, leave me in awe, and generally just be perfect. Final thing: I'm terribly imperfect and probably have more flaws than favorable characteristics, but I'm hoping you'll allow me to be selfish and marry me even though I don't deserve you...like, at all. So...Thus my conclusion that my future wife doesn't exist. She's too many things. My mom says I need to make sure I'm not too picky, but...that just means that I have to take off of my list the things that aren't important. The trouble is, to me, everything is important. So where do I compromise? I REALLY don't want a dog. I REALLY want to be able to sing 'I'm looking over a four-leaf clover' with you. I need you to be patient. I don't want someone who doesn't love God as much as I do, if not more. I won't notice you if you don't make me laugh. I'm terribly shy and I need you to be aggressive, but if I'm not interested, I need you to not cry, because I'm sensitive and if you cry, I'm likely to cry and then end up marrying you just to not hurt your feelings. I'm pretty sure I would give up my own happiness to make you not cry. I also don't think I could handle your sadness if I start staring at a guy while we are out on a date. If I can't completely devote my time and love to you, If I can't lose myself in your beauty, I don't want to be with you and that's not because I'm being mean, it's because I don't ever want to be the cause of sadness for you. That would destroy me. It's easier for me to be alone. I can hurt myself. I can be brutally honest and hurtful to myself because I know I can handle it. I can look in the mirror and say "wow, not looking your greatest today. You look tired, and chubby, and I'm pretty sure that zit is trying to take sole control of your face" and it's truth. Say that to anyone else and it's just rude. I don't know...I'm over-thinking it. 2: God has control, she is out there, and I just lack the faith. In over-thinking and in over-estimating my fears of eternal bachelor-ism, I severely UNDER-estimate the power of God and His complete and very personal knowledge of me and of His timing. The truth is, I lack faith. I can't look to the future with an 'eye of faith' and with a confidence that she is out there and that it's just not time for me, or her, yet. I don't have the confidence to know that she is a real person and that she is blogging right now. She's trying on a pair of saddle-shoes and a cloche hat. She's watching, "Sleepless in Seattle" and quoting it word for word; all the while eating nachos and a cheese danish. She's reading her bible and asking, "how can I be a light to the world, like Christ is?" She's out there. It's hard to believe; it's hard to have that faith. In the movie, 'Practical Magic' Sandra Bullock's character attempts to create a man so perfect that he can't possibly exist and, therefore, she can never get hurt. The problem is, He DOES exist. My problem is that I have created a similar list and I'm almost completely convinced that she doesn't exist. However,to say that I will never find the one woman who is perfect for me is to say that God doesn't have a plan for me. That God WANTS me to be single and alone for the rest of my life. I thought that would make me happy to be single. It doesn't. I need a companion and to say that that companion doesn't exist is to say that God wants me to be unhappy. He doesn't want me to be unhappy. He wants me to find that one absolutely weird, stunningly beautiful, hilariously unusual, and carefully broken but continually optimistic woman who will change my life forever. She may not exist, but if she's out there..... Girl, I wait for you. I pray for you: not that I will find you, but I pray specifically for you. I pray for your happiness and that God will guide you in your life as He is in mine. I'm here for you. You make me smile even though I haven't met you yet. We have extensive conversations and I come to you with my fears and my disappointments (you can't ever answer me, but don't worry, God is comforting me and teaching me until you can assist Him) I miss you, I want you, and I love you.

"...And the award for best actor goes to...Brent!" I had a desire to become an actor. I really wanted to be a comedic actor. I wanted to make people laugh and I wanted to get a script that was filled with social commentary, witty comebacks and insight that only the truly wise to things of the humorous nature would understand or appreciate. I wanted to be a dramatic actor. I wanted to star in a movie that was so controversial it would leave people talking about it for weeks after. It would break social norms and it would question what you thought you knew. I wanted to be an actor. But my dad once asked me "well, okay, but what do you really want to do? What do you want to be your serious career?" and with that, I reorganized my life, gave up on my dream and looked into real careers that actually provide a means for a family: architect, doctor, lawyer, politician. Only problem is, all of these professions are just so BORING! I am terrible at math so architect was out. I feel the urge to vomit every time I get a nosebleed at the sight of any blood: so much for a doctor. My grandfather was a lawyer and hearing about the many people who have done terrible things that my grandfather would have to cover up and make go away on a technicality...lawyer seemed more like liar to me. (incidentally, my grandfather was a terrible lawyer who cared too much for what was right and wrong and had a hard time lying and that makes me happy) and politician...well...moving on. I could go on and on about the various jobs and careers that I thought would make me happy and that would bring success to my family and make me filthy rich, because basically that is the only way you can be happy, right? But that isn't my point. My post has taken a very long journey away from my point...it happens to me sometimes. My point is I never thought I would be an actor. As it turns out, I'm an amazing actor. For almost 21 years I played the part of heterosexual male. For almost 7 years I played the part of a contented homosexual husband. And for the last year, I've cast myself in the role of man who has it all figured out. To act, to me, means that you tell a very convincing lie. Leonardo Dicaprio almost had me fooled as a boy who froze to death and drown in the 1920's after a terrifying cruise. Jim Carey really had me convinced that he was a pawn in some T.V. Show creator's game. (good afternoon, good evening, and good night) What I'm saying is when we act, we tell a story. As an actor, we put ourselves in the place of the character we are playing. I've been acting for a LONG time. I'm getting pretty good at it. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who's the character and who's the real me. It makes it a lot easier to figure that out when I am honest with myself. For 21 years, I wasn't honest with the fact that I was attracted to guys. For 7 years, I wasn't honest with myself or my partner; telling myself that I was content and blissfully happy. And for the last year, I haven't been honest with my fears. I don't have it all figured out, and that scares me. It's exhausting being an actor all the time. We all act. We all put on a happy face and we all play the part of perfect person with a perfect past (that's a lot of P's...anyways) I watched an interview recently of Jennifer Lawrence. I think it's safe to say that most people love her. I think I figured out why. Yes, she is an actress...but not when it comes to her real life. She's just that: she's real. It's refreshing to see someone who says how she feels and what she thinks. We tend to get this picture of actors and actresses in our minds that they are flawless and perfect. We weren't with Ellen Degeneres the night that she fell into deep despair. (though she has talked about it and it was eye-opening and made me love her more) We forget that Katy Perry didn't want to perform after her divorce from Russell Brand because she has feelings too and a heart that also breaks. We can't know how Jennifer Aniston feels about not having a child yet. Maybe that's the way she wants it. Maybe she cries at night wondering if she will ever be able to hear the sound of children in her home. Ellen Degeneres is perfect, Katy Perry is flawless, Jennifer Aniston can do no wrong. This is not just the approach we take towards actors only. "Jason's mother is perfect. She sewed costumes for the school play, volunteered at the homeless shelter, did her hair AND put on make-up, (which doesn't seem like a big deal...mothers will know what I'm talking about though) and still has time to write a successful blog and cook home made meals for her family and for the Adam's family whose daughter has been in the hospital." We compare our lives to other perfect lives and we feel defeated. We don't have a sexy, gorgeous husband who loves us like Helen has. We don't have a skinny waist and beautiful hair like Annie has. We don't have an amazing car and a boat like Frank does. We also don't know that Helen's husband is cheating on her with his secretary; that Annie is so skinny because she hates her body and has stopped eating all together; that Frank is paying off mountains of debt caused by buying a fancy car and a boat on credit. We fail to see the amazing things in our lives because we are looking at the many, seemingly, amazing things in another's life. I've been acting for far too long. Why do I put on a show? Sometimes, I am not fun to be around. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I yell at myself for the stupid things I did in my past and for the mistakes that I can't seem to get rid of in my present. Sometimes, I hate myself for the way that I am and sometimes, I fear that I will never find anyone because of the way that I am. I have faults, I get distracted by worldly things, I say something unkind to someone or talk ill of someone behind their back, I lie about my smile. Why? I honestly don't have an answer. Maybe it's because I feel I need to keep up with perfect lives I see in others. Maybe it's just too upsetting or too difficult to put away the act and the actor and be genuine, real, and raw. Whatever the reason, my attempts at this blog are to show my vulnerability, my goofy and awkward real self, and my pain and imperfections. I have a friend, who has a friend, who is suffering from deep depression and suicidal thinking. I can't help but wonder if this person just can't handle the happiness he sees in everyone's perfect life. I wonder if he just doesn't know that there are others out there who are not happy like he is. He probably doesn't know that I, or his cousin, or his teacher, or the post man, are going through a similar situation and could help him. He probably doesn't know that because I, his cousin, his teacher, or the post man am not being honest. I put on a brave face, his cousin tells him how awesome her life is, his teacher tells him to stop complaining and that life isn't that hard, and the post man gives him a smile every day even though both the post man and this young man want to cry. Our task? Stop acting. Stop putting on a show. Be genuine. That might sound depressing. "be sad! Tell people how awful your life is!!" That's not what I'm saying. I have an amazing life! I am so blessed! But I also recognize that I have sad days, hard moments, and upsetting times that aren't perfect. But, such is life! Everyone has a great life! Everyone is richly blessed and has so many happy things and happy times. Everyone has trials too. I guess what I am saying is let's be honest with each other. "Mike, I just can't do this today. I'm feeling sad today." "Mom, I'm not feeling beautiful today. Help me feel beautiful" "Hey bro, I got your text and I totally understand your worries about marriage. It's not easy. My wife and I don't have fun all the time. We get mad at each other too." When we are more open in our communications, when we can be honest about our own shortcomings or even be honest about our blessings, but the hard work that it takes to receive those blessings, then we can get closer to putting away the act and get closer to becoming our real and refreshing self. End Scene.

"What's one thing that no one knows about you?" My response: "Nobody knows the real me, because I don't act like me unless I'm by myself." Alright, the last few days I was thinking over my blog and I was looking at my Facebook and was considering my relationship with others and I thought about a few things. I think that everyone could say that about themselves, "I am most myself when I am BY myself." We all hide a part or parts of us from others. I don't know your reasons, but mine? My reasons are so that people won't hate me. So that people won't laugh at me. So that people won't be embarrassed for me. And so that people don't assume I am just this one thing or that one thing. So, like me, we all share what we think others can handle. We post pictures that are appropriate or that don't show us crying because we are alone or we don't post pictures of us smoking marijuana or we don't tweet that we just ate our six year old daughter's last two pieces of chocolate because "she won't know any better if I lie to her." There are things we just don't share with the world because of what they will think of us. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't know if it's a good thing that ALL of the things we do aren't directly fed to the internet or projected to people. The good thing about this is that we may have gone to a stip club once, felt awful about it and never did it again and, because we have privacy, we can move on with our lives and are free to make mistakes. I think that's why celebrities go crazy sometimes because they can't privately move on from mistakes they've made. (It's okay Vanessa Hudgens, almost everyone forgot about your pics) The bad thing about not having your whole life public is that sometimes, people are silently wonderful. We can't see our Grandfather holding our Granmother's hand while they watch a movie together, but maybe we see them argue at a family dinner. We can't see our tough-guy brother stop and wait for a family of ducks to cross the road or talk baby talk to his pet kitten when he's home alone, but maybe we are angry with him for calling us queer and mocking us for crying when we fall down. We don't know how often our unhappy and unkind neighbor laughs while playing with her grandchildren. We can't be sure how often the sexist, vulgar man at work reads his scriptures and feels ridiculous for being "that guy" at work. Heaven knows I've made mistakes and am so glad that I can come back from those mistakes and resolve to do better. So let's not judge others for the mistakes that they make or for being the way that "they are" when we see them at work or at a family picnic or when we see them on the street. Because maybe that is not the way "they are" but it is the only way they know how "to be" at that moment. The real reason for this post is that I'm wonderful. I'm fantastic, hilarious, witty, kind, and caring. I'm also selfish, self-centered but at the same time self-loathing and terribly unkind to myself. I'm brutally aware of my shortcomings and beat myself up mentally and verbally all the time. I love my eyes, but I hate my nose. I sound 'uber gay' sometimes (especially when Rosalind Russell is brought up...which is...never cuz no one knows who that is. But...definitely when The Sims is brought up) but in my head I sometimes sound like a really hot, straight guy. There is so much about me that no one knows. But sometimes, I feel like well...Sandra Bullock, or Lucy Moderatz as it were, said it perfectly: "Have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with." I've always loved that line. But there's this other part of me that thinks, "if they really knew what I was like, they would laugh at me or worse, they wouldn't laugh at me, but be repulsed or annoyed by me." As I was thinking about it, I decided, 'you know, a good way to determine what people's reactions to the real me would be is to act like the real me" but that's too scary. So I decided upon the next best thing; I can type about what the real me is like a little bit. I mean, this method works all the time with online dating and texting. People feel more free to say things and be a certain way online where it is not so scary than being themselves in front of actual people. So here's a little bit about the real me.... *sigh *nervously scans room "focus!! You can do this!" *summons up courage.... A bit about myself: I have regular interviews with Ellen Degeneres and the ladies from the view in my head. I lip-sync in a very extreme way to the songs "bosom buddies," "Romeo and Juliet," and "I'm the Greatest Star." So much so, that it would appear to some that I'm auditioning for the very roles of Vera Charles, Jimmy Harper, or Fanny Brice. There is at least one time each day where I imagine different 'meet cutes' for my future wife and I. I secretly really wish to be an interior designer, but do not want to fail and I know that I am too lazy to accomplish schooling in that field, so I don't pursue it. Also, I don't think there would be a market for me where I live. I feel this same way about being an actor. Also if I became an actor I would become a terrible person I can almost guarantee it. It is my honest belief that God is keeping me poor so that I, once again, don't become a terrible person. I have never eaten beets, because they sound absolutely disgusting. I get confused by them, however because they look like that cranberry sauce that you get in a can and I love that stuff. So...I WANT to eat beets if they taste like that canned cranberry sauce, but I know that they won't...beets make me angry. I am honest to a fault. In fact, I will tell people things and I get a bit confused when they get offended because I wasn't trying to be offensive, I was being honest. "Brent, do you think Greg and I would make a good match?" "No, you need attention and Greg is hilarious and I think you would feel like you weren't getting enough attention as Greg, because he would make more people laugh than you." "Oh...wow...that was brutal..." And then I get that confused look again. I'm just being honest. Greg's hilarious. That girl would have an awful time with him trying to compete for attention. This is truth, not offensive. I also get a confused face for a second when people laugh at me because I'm trying to figure out if I said something funny or just super embarrassing that made them laugh. Either way, I shake it off and laugh and hope that it was just that I said something amusing. I think I'm hilarious and I think I'm the only one that thinks I'm funny so I get a bit thrown off when other people say "you're funny." "no, I'm not. Only I think I'm funny." That probably doesn't make sense. I will spend hours at night having conversations with people at work, family, clergy, or even famous people that are ONLY happening in my head. None of these conversations have ever actually happened and I never expect them to happen, but they make me feel better. I'm seriously worried that my kids are going to be kids and I'm going to forget that they are 4 and that I'm going to become really angry with them when they don't understand that you don't hit someone else or that you don't whine. Children acting like children make me frustrated. So my kid better have a 40 year old soul and act like a responsible and reasonably thinking adult...or else I'm going to have to make some serious changes in my life and in my thinking. Changes I don't want to make because I'm selfish...I don't want to have kids if they are going to act like kids and that makes me instantly sad. I will never say "I love you" to anyone. If I do, I'm saying it because you said it to me first and or because I feel like that is what you need to hear. I'm an open book. Seriously, ask me anything about myself and I will tell you about myself. I'm narcissistic in that regard. I love talking about myself. (hence this last paragraph) Don't let that fool you though, I love trying to understand other people. Their reactions to things, their thoughts on lust, jealousy, drama, goals, music, movies, or anything really (except for politics and abortion...just don't talk to me about either) People who don't believe in God confuse me more than almost anything else in this world. In fact, once I find out that someone is an atheist, I have a hard time looking at them without feeling totally sad. I don't hate them, I love them and want to help them, but know that they will not accept help because they know that they don't need any help. I love dancing. I can not dance as I've had no formal training and any time that I dance it ends up just looking like a male stripper (it really is not my intention, but the few people I have seriously danced in front of tell me that I look like a male stripper. This makes me happy to know that they think I'm sexy, but a half a second later I just get horrified that I will never be able to dance in public without people thinking I had a very shady past as an 'entertainer.') I also love singing and sometimes love 'hitting the notes' that are being sung in a song. Then I tell myself, 'calm down; don't get cocky, you actually suck and if people were listening to you right now and were honest, they would tell you the same thing' I am not good at anything. Seriously, I'm not being an attention seeker, I just honestly am not good at anything. There are things that I can DO, yes, but there is nothing that I can do WELL. I can ALWAYS tell you how I am not good at whatever you tell me I'm good at. "you are so good at cooking" "nope, yesterday I tried mixing watermelon and curry paste and it did not go over well." "you are good at art" "nope, that picture of a cat that you liked was actually a picture of a bowl of fruit so, jokes on you" Alright, there's a little about me. Honest things about me. Your turn. "I wanna see you be brave." Do it today. Be TOTALLY honest with someone today. Tell them that they are such a wonderful friend, but that you really are worried about their boyfriend and that you feel they could be so much happier. While taking out the garbage, go ahead and sing out loud to your favorite Justin Bieber song with no regrets; don't just sing it in your head. And you can dance too, that's okay. Go ahead and show your co-worker the cute pictures you took of your cat dressed up as Dorothy from 'the wizard of oz.' Maybe he'll think that you're adorable for taking pics of your cat you dressed up. Maybe he'll make sure to change cubicles so he never has to be around you...at least you shared what you love. Whatever it is; whatever you feel is your unfinished business, your hidden talent, or your big secret, share it. I think you'll like it.