It's been a few weeks since my relationship with my partner ended. It's tough and it's taking a toll on me. Mostly on my body. I've been in a much longer relationship with food. That relationship is a love-hate relationship. I love food. It hates me and my body. I have been working out with a trainer for the last 6 days... I uh... I have not been working out with a trainer. But I have been working out with Wii Fit Plus for the last week. So far I've lost 2 pounds, then gained 1, then lost 2, then gained 4....basically I'm at the same place I was when I started. Despite this fact, I persevere. "as you're doing this exercise, imagine your ideal body." my video game trainer tells me. "oh I am," I yell at him, "and you know what!? I'm depressed now. Where's my Doritos?" "So Guy, of course you know what I'm going to ask you next," Graham Norton says, "how do you get a body like that?" I roll my eyes and chuckle at the question I've been asked a hundred times already. "Well, Graham. Basically I live off of a diet of tamales and cheesecake. I never work out, and most of the day I spend napping or laying in front of the t.v." The audience laughs and I laugh along, wishing that were true... I wish it were true. I wish that cheesecake was full of anti-oxidants and natural vitamins and minerals. I wish that for every 6 pack of soda I drink, another inch melts off my waist. And I wish that every time I got up in the morning counted for 1,000 crunches...that way, every morning I would get up and have immediately done a 1,000 crunches. 1,000 crunches every morning...Yea...I'd be set. In reality, 1 4 oz piece of cheesecake equals 4 lbs straight to my gut. 1 can of soda equals 1 pound of fat per man-boob. and every time I get up in the morning, my back creaks and my I let out a noise that, if I were underwater, would grab the attention of many a mating humpback whale. How do we do it? How are we expected to stay thin and beautiful when Alfredo sauce exists? How are we supposed to stay fit and trim when there's Modern Warfare to be played..(Okay...Sims 3. Never played Modern Warfare, but I felt I might have been losing some of you!) And how are we supposed to remain young and beautiful forever when there's that nagging invention of aging. (Just me, or when you look at the word aging, do you see AGG-ING? Moving on...) I don't think it's fair that celebrities can afford personal trainers. I'd look frickin amazing if I had a personal trainer to chew my butt off all day...probably have a smaller butt too. And it's not fair that celebrities have all sorts of money to spend on a ultra lean, farm fed, weight sucking chicken from the lush fields of... mmmm-montana..or something. If I could afford a week's worth of organic...well..organic ANYTHING, then I could lose weight too. But you know what? an organic red pepper costs 3 dollars. A frozen pizza costs 88 cents. And I know what you're thinking, "you're a boy, you don't have to worry about it." Oh really? Really? I think as a boy, I have to worry more. Thanks to Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Grey, ALL men have to worry more. Even TV isn't safe. I love Glee, but if Sam takes his shirt off one more time I'm going to cry.... half out of sadness, half because he's just so pretty. In a perfect world, I wouldn't need to worry about weight, muscle, or aging. But no one's perfect except Jesus and Jennifer Aniston (seriously, that woman can do no wrong. Have you seen her smart water ads?) so until then I will have to continue my Wii Fit regimen and eating an egg for breakfast, Wal-Mart chicken for lunch, and frozen light pizza for dinner. Seriously...88 cents.