SIngle

okay journal....Since no one is viewing this blog anymore, I figure I can just spill my thoughts out onto the web. That's safe, right? And since this blog started out as a sort of tell-all about the thoughts and fantasies that go on in my head, I figure this is something I could type here on this blog and it would maybe, kinda, sorta work. Anyways...
I actually haven't thought about it in awhile. I mean, not REALLY thought about it. That is probably a good thing, because it saves me from more tears and from a world of overthinking which, if I could put on a resume would get me instantly hired, or if it was a sport in the Olympics, I would get gold every year. I still do think about it sometimes though...I'm 33 and I'm still single. It's actually gotten to the point where I've been single for so long that I've kind of become more accustomed to being single than being with someone...and I WANT to be single. Trust me, it makes things a LOT easier for me that way. It makes it so that I don't have to think about what I want because I will never have what I want; at least in regards to my love life. Here's the thing: I'm gay. I'm also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have no desire to date a woman, to kiss a woman, or to make babies with a woman (Dianna Agron and Mary Elizabeth Winstead aside) I also have no desire to grow old with a man. I want a boyfriend until he's 40 and I'm no longer interested at which point we just become friends and hang out and watch movies and don't touch one another. I want to have a wife who I don't have sex with or make out with, but instead we hug and are best friends who grow old together and who hang out and watch movies and don't touch one another. I love serving in my church. I don't want to give up those opportunities because I decide to kiss a boy. I don't want to lose certain aspects of my religion and have a relationship with a guy only to have that relationship inevitably end and then I have to go through that WHOLE long process of coming back to full fellowship in the church again. That's assuming I even find a guy that I want. I'm picky.
I want a guy who enjoys jazz music and candles and a beautifully set out cheese tray. I want a guy who is funny, but doesn't know he's funny. I want a guy who has nice arms. I want a guy that, when he walks into the room or when I say his name, I smile. I want a guy who, when I walk into a room or when he says my name, HE smiles. I don't want a guy who goes to gay pride every year. I'm sorry. I realize it's a really important event for many LGBTQ individuals, but...it's just not something I'm into. I'd rather go to a movie with my partner and then go eat on a terrace overlooking a garden and then go home and listen to some jazz music and doing a puzzle. I want a guy who takes me on a date first. I don't want a guy who is interested in sex on a first date. Or a second date. Or a third date. Be classy. Be into me, because if i'm going out with you on a second or third date, believe me, I'm into you too. I want someone who is spiritual. By spiritual, I don't just mean someone who spends time in nature and thinks that is his "church". No. I want someone who actually goes to a church. I want someone who prays. I want a gay guy who is not angry at God (which is actually pretty hard to find) I don't want a guy who drinks other than maybe having a glass of wine on very rare occasions. (that is even HARDER to find. Why does it seem like all gay men drink. "congratulations on coming out of the closet, here's some alcoholic drinks! Collect them all, trade 'em with your friends!") That's only a few of the things I want from a guy. I haven't even BEGUN on my list of requirements for a girl.
I also am no stranger to the fact that I'm getting older and, with that, comes hair loss and weight gain and body creaking and an, "i'm sorry, the movie starts HOW late?" mentality. I constantly feel like my best years are behind me physically and that I'm less and less of a catch. I spent a week with a really attractive friend of mine. Do you know that two girls actually approached him and gave him their snap chat info. They actually came UP TO HIM and gave him their info, because he's just that attractive. I remember sitting at dinner one time with my ex and a friend of ours and the waiters were all looking at our friend. Finally, one waiter came over and said, "sorry, we just think you are really cute and were wondering if we could get your number." At work a few months ago, this girl gave a co-worker of mine her number because she thought he was cute (and he is, but that's not the point) My point here is that I have NEVER gotten somebody's number. No one has ever approached me. and the only people that have told me I'm cute were old ladies, my mom, a married girl (which was an awkward conversation) and the two ex's I've had. I don't know...I guess I just feel sorry for myself. Like...when I was 18 and hot why didn't I have more confidence and just go for it! Probably because I didn't want any girls numbers and the boys numbers that I wanted were either straight or painfully hiding in the closet until being gay became okay. You wanna know a secret, journal. I'm scared. I'm scared a lot and if I think about it too much it becomes TOO scary and TOO overwhelming and I get too emotional. I'm scared that no one wants me. I have friends, I'm not worried about that. I just don't think that anyone finds me attractive. I'm scared that I'm ugly and I reaffirm that 'fact' about me everyday when I look in the mirror and say, "wow, you're still fat. There goes more hair...what are you going to do to with your hair today to cover all those bald spots? Ew, you have an awful profile...you need to keep your head straight on. Your profile is ugly. Your nose, the scars on your head, your thin hair. You used to have a really nice jaw line before you got fat." These are the things I say to myself. When a cute boy or a cute girl is around I feed myself some more words, "wow, look at his body. You're fat. He doesn't want a chubber, he wants someone he can go to the gym with." "oh man, look at her beautiful face and eyes. She's married. For sure she's married. or 18. Pretty girls are either Mormon married at 19 or they are divorced at 22 with a child...I could handle divorced and with a child...wow, your kinda acting like a dick right now... and what does that matter anyways, she doesn't like you. You're ugly. and you're old. They want your attractive, younger co worker" (and then they give him their number) "see, told you. You're no longer wanted. You're not a hot commodity. You're a middle aged 33 year old with a dad bod at best who's working for 11 bucks an hour and living in your sister's basement. Give up." And I tell myself this every day. EVERY day. Usually multiple times daily.
So...what's the solution? Be happy being single. And I am. No awkward first date. No wondering if they are going to call you back. No wondering how you are going to tell them, "yeah...i'm just not that into you." No first kisses. No first fights. No wondering if you are going to get along with their family. Sole control over what I watch on Netflix. More money cuz I don't have to spend it on someone else... It's just easier this way.
Do I still think about the man of my dreams? Yes. Do I still think that maybe some girl is going to come along and she'll be the exception and I'll fall madly in love with her and want to be with her and have four kids (one girl, two twin boys, and then another girl) and live happily ever after? Yeah. But I try not think about too often. Cuz it's pointless. Useless. Think realistically. You're going to be single forever and you need to try and learn to be okay with that.  If anyone else is, by some miracle, reading this and they are lonely, just like I am...feel free to text me or talk to me or type me an email or something. I know where you are coming from, I know what you are going through, and though I, obviously can't give you advice (as this HIGHLY optimistic blog post has shown) I can tell you that I'm sorry and that I love you. I may not know what it feels like to have someone want me romantically, but I DO know what it is like to be loved. I have so many that love me and care about me. I also have God and Christ who care about me. But if you don't believe in Them...and if you don't believe anyone cares about you...I do.

My Sims life is getting complicated. It's hard to decide which life I want to live vicariously through. One Sim is artistic, his wife is also artistic. They don't have kids because they want to spend time getting to know each other better. She's a photographer, he's an interior designer. My other Sim and his wife have 7 kids and they aspire to have grand children and see their kids grow up to be happy. She is a stay-at-home mom and he is a retired chef. Yet another Sim and his wife are adventurers. They go on trips and she wants to own her own resort. I've created at least 10 different lives with 10 different women. It gets tricky because I don't know which Sim man I want to be and with which Sim wife I want to be with. Real life is a thousand times more tricky... I have a tendency to over-think things. My recent over-thinking session dealt with my future wife. I came to 2 polarized opposite conclusions. 1: My future wife doesn't exist and 2:God has control, she is out there, and I just lack faith. 1. My future wife doesn't exist: If I were to place an ad for my wife, it would read something like this: WANTED: The Perfect Woman for a Hopelessly Imperfect Man. Single (makes things less complicated) Non-smoker, Non-drinker, Non-Judgmental. Preferably not a pet person, but if she needs a pet, must be a cat person. Likes: "What's up, Doc?" starring Barbra Streisand in, arguably one of her best roles, "Apple Blossom Time" sung by either the Andrews Sisters or Emmy Rossum, Sushi (love of wasabi is a definite bonus), and anything spontaneous(if you have to ask for an idea of what's spontaneous, then you need not apply). Must be patient with children, because I have a hard time with that. Must be frugal, but not annoying about it. Patient with me and my inability to think and/or act like a responsible adult. Needs to walk into a room and take my breath away, even in her pajamas. Must be in love with God and Jesus and be able to inspire me to have a better relationship with said Deity. I need someone to build my faith: faith in God, in humanity, in myself. Make me laugh harder than I laugh when I'm by myself. Be as funny as Melissa McCarthy, as beautiful as Dianna Agron, as quirky as Zooey Deschanel, as kind as Mother Teresa, as refined as Joanna Lumley, and as kick-butt as Rosario Dawson. Cry with me, pick me up, make me think, leave me in awe, and generally just be perfect. Final thing: I'm terribly imperfect and probably have more flaws than favorable characteristics, but I'm hoping you'll allow me to be selfish and marry me even though I don't deserve you...like, at all. So...Thus my conclusion that my future wife doesn't exist. She's too many things. My mom says I need to make sure I'm not too picky, but...that just means that I have to take off of my list the things that aren't important. The trouble is, to me, everything is important. So where do I compromise? I REALLY don't want a dog. I REALLY want to be able to sing 'I'm looking over a four-leaf clover' with you. I need you to be patient. I don't want someone who doesn't love God as much as I do, if not more. I won't notice you if you don't make me laugh. I'm terribly shy and I need you to be aggressive, but if I'm not interested, I need you to not cry, because I'm sensitive and if you cry, I'm likely to cry and then end up marrying you just to not hurt your feelings. I'm pretty sure I would give up my own happiness to make you not cry. I also don't think I could handle your sadness if I start staring at a guy while we are out on a date. If I can't completely devote my time and love to you, If I can't lose myself in your beauty, I don't want to be with you and that's not because I'm being mean, it's because I don't ever want to be the cause of sadness for you. That would destroy me. It's easier for me to be alone. I can hurt myself. I can be brutally honest and hurtful to myself because I know I can handle it. I can look in the mirror and say "wow, not looking your greatest today. You look tired, and chubby, and I'm pretty sure that zit is trying to take sole control of your face" and it's truth. Say that to anyone else and it's just rude. I don't know...I'm over-thinking it. 2: God has control, she is out there, and I just lack the faith. In over-thinking and in over-estimating my fears of eternal bachelor-ism, I severely UNDER-estimate the power of God and His complete and very personal knowledge of me and of His timing. The truth is, I lack faith. I can't look to the future with an 'eye of faith' and with a confidence that she is out there and that it's just not time for me, or her, yet. I don't have the confidence to know that she is a real person and that she is blogging right now. She's trying on a pair of saddle-shoes and a cloche hat. She's watching, "Sleepless in Seattle" and quoting it word for word; all the while eating nachos and a cheese danish. She's reading her bible and asking, "how can I be a light to the world, like Christ is?" She's out there. It's hard to believe; it's hard to have that faith. In the movie, 'Practical Magic' Sandra Bullock's character attempts to create a man so perfect that he can't possibly exist and, therefore, she can never get hurt. The problem is, He DOES exist. My problem is that I have created a similar list and I'm almost completely convinced that she doesn't exist. However,to say that I will never find the one woman who is perfect for me is to say that God doesn't have a plan for me. That God WANTS me to be single and alone for the rest of my life. I thought that would make me happy to be single. It doesn't. I need a companion and to say that that companion doesn't exist is to say that God wants me to be unhappy. He doesn't want me to be unhappy. He wants me to find that one absolutely weird, stunningly beautiful, hilariously unusual, and carefully broken but continually optimistic woman who will change my life forever. She may not exist, but if she's out there..... Girl, I wait for you. I pray for you: not that I will find you, but I pray specifically for you. I pray for your happiness and that God will guide you in your life as He is in mine. I'm here for you. You make me smile even though I haven't met you yet. We have extensive conversations and I come to you with my fears and my disappointments (you can't ever answer me, but don't worry, God is comforting me and teaching me until you can assist Him) I miss you, I want you, and I love you.

"...And the award for best actor goes to...Brent!" I had a desire to become an actor. I really wanted to be a comedic actor. I wanted to make people laugh and I wanted to get a script that was filled with social commentary, witty comebacks and insight that only the truly wise to things of the humorous nature would understand or appreciate. I wanted to be a dramatic actor. I wanted to star in a movie that was so controversial it would leave people talking about it for weeks after. It would break social norms and it would question what you thought you knew. I wanted to be an actor. But my dad once asked me "well, okay, but what do you really want to do? What do you want to be your serious career?" and with that, I reorganized my life, gave up on my dream and looked into real careers that actually provide a means for a family: architect, doctor, lawyer, politician. Only problem is, all of these professions are just so BORING! I am terrible at math so architect was out. I feel the urge to vomit every time I get a nosebleed at the sight of any blood: so much for a doctor. My grandfather was a lawyer and hearing about the many people who have done terrible things that my grandfather would have to cover up and make go away on a technicality...lawyer seemed more like liar to me. (incidentally, my grandfather was a terrible lawyer who cared too much for what was right and wrong and had a hard time lying and that makes me happy) and politician...well...moving on. I could go on and on about the various jobs and careers that I thought would make me happy and that would bring success to my family and make me filthy rich, because basically that is the only way you can be happy, right? But that isn't my point. My post has taken a very long journey away from my point...it happens to me sometimes. My point is I never thought I would be an actor. As it turns out, I'm an amazing actor. For almost 21 years I played the part of heterosexual male. For almost 7 years I played the part of a contented homosexual husband. And for the last year, I've cast myself in the role of man who has it all figured out. To act, to me, means that you tell a very convincing lie. Leonardo Dicaprio almost had me fooled as a boy who froze to death and drown in the 1920's after a terrifying cruise. Jim Carey really had me convinced that he was a pawn in some T.V. Show creator's game. (good afternoon, good evening, and good night) What I'm saying is when we act, we tell a story. As an actor, we put ourselves in the place of the character we are playing. I've been acting for a LONG time. I'm getting pretty good at it. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who's the character and who's the real me. It makes it a lot easier to figure that out when I am honest with myself. For 21 years, I wasn't honest with the fact that I was attracted to guys. For 7 years, I wasn't honest with myself or my partner; telling myself that I was content and blissfully happy. And for the last year, I haven't been honest with my fears. I don't have it all figured out, and that scares me. It's exhausting being an actor all the time. We all act. We all put on a happy face and we all play the part of perfect person with a perfect past (that's a lot of P's...anyways) I watched an interview recently of Jennifer Lawrence. I think it's safe to say that most people love her. I think I figured out why. Yes, she is an actress...but not when it comes to her real life. She's just that: she's real. It's refreshing to see someone who says how she feels and what she thinks. We tend to get this picture of actors and actresses in our minds that they are flawless and perfect. We weren't with Ellen Degeneres the night that she fell into deep despair. (though she has talked about it and it was eye-opening and made me love her more) We forget that Katy Perry didn't want to perform after her divorce from Russell Brand because she has feelings too and a heart that also breaks. We can't know how Jennifer Aniston feels about not having a child yet. Maybe that's the way she wants it. Maybe she cries at night wondering if she will ever be able to hear the sound of children in her home. Ellen Degeneres is perfect, Katy Perry is flawless, Jennifer Aniston can do no wrong. This is not just the approach we take towards actors only. "Jason's mother is perfect. She sewed costumes for the school play, volunteered at the homeless shelter, did her hair AND put on make-up, (which doesn't seem like a big deal...mothers will know what I'm talking about though) and still has time to write a successful blog and cook home made meals for her family and for the Adam's family whose daughter has been in the hospital." We compare our lives to other perfect lives and we feel defeated. We don't have a sexy, gorgeous husband who loves us like Helen has. We don't have a skinny waist and beautiful hair like Annie has. We don't have an amazing car and a boat like Frank does. We also don't know that Helen's husband is cheating on her with his secretary; that Annie is so skinny because she hates her body and has stopped eating all together; that Frank is paying off mountains of debt caused by buying a fancy car and a boat on credit. We fail to see the amazing things in our lives because we are looking at the many, seemingly, amazing things in another's life. I've been acting for far too long. Why do I put on a show? Sometimes, I am not fun to be around. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I yell at myself for the stupid things I did in my past and for the mistakes that I can't seem to get rid of in my present. Sometimes, I hate myself for the way that I am and sometimes, I fear that I will never find anyone because of the way that I am. I have faults, I get distracted by worldly things, I say something unkind to someone or talk ill of someone behind their back, I lie about my smile. Why? I honestly don't have an answer. Maybe it's because I feel I need to keep up with perfect lives I see in others. Maybe it's just too upsetting or too difficult to put away the act and the actor and be genuine, real, and raw. Whatever the reason, my attempts at this blog are to show my vulnerability, my goofy and awkward real self, and my pain and imperfections. I have a friend, who has a friend, who is suffering from deep depression and suicidal thinking. I can't help but wonder if this person just can't handle the happiness he sees in everyone's perfect life. I wonder if he just doesn't know that there are others out there who are not happy like he is. He probably doesn't know that I, or his cousin, or his teacher, or the post man, are going through a similar situation and could help him. He probably doesn't know that because I, his cousin, his teacher, or the post man am not being honest. I put on a brave face, his cousin tells him how awesome her life is, his teacher tells him to stop complaining and that life isn't that hard, and the post man gives him a smile every day even though both the post man and this young man want to cry. Our task? Stop acting. Stop putting on a show. Be genuine. That might sound depressing. "be sad! Tell people how awful your life is!!" That's not what I'm saying. I have an amazing life! I am so blessed! But I also recognize that I have sad days, hard moments, and upsetting times that aren't perfect. But, such is life! Everyone has a great life! Everyone is richly blessed and has so many happy things and happy times. Everyone has trials too. I guess what I am saying is let's be honest with each other. "Mike, I just can't do this today. I'm feeling sad today." "Mom, I'm not feeling beautiful today. Help me feel beautiful" "Hey bro, I got your text and I totally understand your worries about marriage. It's not easy. My wife and I don't have fun all the time. We get mad at each other too." When we are more open in our communications, when we can be honest about our own shortcomings or even be honest about our blessings, but the hard work that it takes to receive those blessings, then we can get closer to putting away the act and get closer to becoming our real and refreshing self. End Scene.

"What's one thing that no one knows about you?" My response: "Nobody knows the real me, because I don't act like me unless I'm by myself." Alright, the last few days I was thinking over my blog and I was looking at my Facebook and was considering my relationship with others and I thought about a few things. I think that everyone could say that about themselves, "I am most myself when I am BY myself." We all hide a part or parts of us from others. I don't know your reasons, but mine? My reasons are so that people won't hate me. So that people won't laugh at me. So that people won't be embarrassed for me. And so that people don't assume I am just this one thing or that one thing. So, like me, we all share what we think others can handle. We post pictures that are appropriate or that don't show us crying because we are alone or we don't post pictures of us smoking marijuana or we don't tweet that we just ate our six year old daughter's last two pieces of chocolate because "she won't know any better if I lie to her." There are things we just don't share with the world because of what they will think of us. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't know if it's a good thing that ALL of the things we do aren't directly fed to the internet or projected to people. The good thing about this is that we may have gone to a stip club once, felt awful about it and never did it again and, because we have privacy, we can move on with our lives and are free to make mistakes. I think that's why celebrities go crazy sometimes because they can't privately move on from mistakes they've made. (It's okay Vanessa Hudgens, almost everyone forgot about your pics) The bad thing about not having your whole life public is that sometimes, people are silently wonderful. We can't see our Grandfather holding our Granmother's hand while they watch a movie together, but maybe we see them argue at a family dinner. We can't see our tough-guy brother stop and wait for a family of ducks to cross the road or talk baby talk to his pet kitten when he's home alone, but maybe we are angry with him for calling us queer and mocking us for crying when we fall down. We don't know how often our unhappy and unkind neighbor laughs while playing with her grandchildren. We can't be sure how often the sexist, vulgar man at work reads his scriptures and feels ridiculous for being "that guy" at work. Heaven knows I've made mistakes and am so glad that I can come back from those mistakes and resolve to do better. So let's not judge others for the mistakes that they make or for being the way that "they are" when we see them at work or at a family picnic or when we see them on the street. Because maybe that is not the way "they are" but it is the only way they know how "to be" at that moment. The real reason for this post is that I'm wonderful. I'm fantastic, hilarious, witty, kind, and caring. I'm also selfish, self-centered but at the same time self-loathing and terribly unkind to myself. I'm brutally aware of my shortcomings and beat myself up mentally and verbally all the time. I love my eyes, but I hate my nose. I sound 'uber gay' sometimes (especially when Rosalind Russell is brought up...which is...never cuz no one knows who that is. But...definitely when The Sims is brought up) but in my head I sometimes sound like a really hot, straight guy. There is so much about me that no one knows. But sometimes, I feel like well...Sandra Bullock, or Lucy Moderatz as it were, said it perfectly: "Have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with." I've always loved that line. But there's this other part of me that thinks, "if they really knew what I was like, they would laugh at me or worse, they wouldn't laugh at me, but be repulsed or annoyed by me." As I was thinking about it, I decided, 'you know, a good way to determine what people's reactions to the real me would be is to act like the real me" but that's too scary. So I decided upon the next best thing; I can type about what the real me is like a little bit. I mean, this method works all the time with online dating and texting. People feel more free to say things and be a certain way online where it is not so scary than being themselves in front of actual people. So here's a little bit about the real me.... *sigh *nervously scans room "focus!! You can do this!" *summons up courage.... A bit about myself: I have regular interviews with Ellen Degeneres and the ladies from the view in my head. I lip-sync in a very extreme way to the songs "bosom buddies," "Romeo and Juliet," and "I'm the Greatest Star." So much so, that it would appear to some that I'm auditioning for the very roles of Vera Charles, Jimmy Harper, or Fanny Brice. There is at least one time each day where I imagine different 'meet cutes' for my future wife and I. I secretly really wish to be an interior designer, but do not want to fail and I know that I am too lazy to accomplish schooling in that field, so I don't pursue it. Also, I don't think there would be a market for me where I live. I feel this same way about being an actor. Also if I became an actor I would become a terrible person I can almost guarantee it. It is my honest belief that God is keeping me poor so that I, once again, don't become a terrible person. I have never eaten beets, because they sound absolutely disgusting. I get confused by them, however because they look like that cranberry sauce that you get in a can and I love that stuff. So...I WANT to eat beets if they taste like that canned cranberry sauce, but I know that they won't...beets make me angry. I am honest to a fault. In fact, I will tell people things and I get a bit confused when they get offended because I wasn't trying to be offensive, I was being honest. "Brent, do you think Greg and I would make a good match?" "No, you need attention and Greg is hilarious and I think you would feel like you weren't getting enough attention as Greg, because he would make more people laugh than you." "Oh...wow...that was brutal..." And then I get that confused look again. I'm just being honest. Greg's hilarious. That girl would have an awful time with him trying to compete for attention. This is truth, not offensive. I also get a confused face for a second when people laugh at me because I'm trying to figure out if I said something funny or just super embarrassing that made them laugh. Either way, I shake it off and laugh and hope that it was just that I said something amusing. I think I'm hilarious and I think I'm the only one that thinks I'm funny so I get a bit thrown off when other people say "you're funny." "no, I'm not. Only I think I'm funny." That probably doesn't make sense. I will spend hours at night having conversations with people at work, family, clergy, or even famous people that are ONLY happening in my head. None of these conversations have ever actually happened and I never expect them to happen, but they make me feel better. I'm seriously worried that my kids are going to be kids and I'm going to forget that they are 4 and that I'm going to become really angry with them when they don't understand that you don't hit someone else or that you don't whine. Children acting like children make me frustrated. So my kid better have a 40 year old soul and act like a responsible and reasonably thinking adult...or else I'm going to have to make some serious changes in my life and in my thinking. Changes I don't want to make because I'm selfish...I don't want to have kids if they are going to act like kids and that makes me instantly sad. I will never say "I love you" to anyone. If I do, I'm saying it because you said it to me first and or because I feel like that is what you need to hear. I'm an open book. Seriously, ask me anything about myself and I will tell you about myself. I'm narcissistic in that regard. I love talking about myself. (hence this last paragraph) Don't let that fool you though, I love trying to understand other people. Their reactions to things, their thoughts on lust, jealousy, drama, goals, music, movies, or anything really (except for politics and abortion...just don't talk to me about either) People who don't believe in God confuse me more than almost anything else in this world. In fact, once I find out that someone is an atheist, I have a hard time looking at them without feeling totally sad. I don't hate them, I love them and want to help them, but know that they will not accept help because they know that they don't need any help. I love dancing. I can not dance as I've had no formal training and any time that I dance it ends up just looking like a male stripper (it really is not my intention, but the few people I have seriously danced in front of tell me that I look like a male stripper. This makes me happy to know that they think I'm sexy, but a half a second later I just get horrified that I will never be able to dance in public without people thinking I had a very shady past as an 'entertainer.') I also love singing and sometimes love 'hitting the notes' that are being sung in a song. Then I tell myself, 'calm down; don't get cocky, you actually suck and if people were listening to you right now and were honest, they would tell you the same thing' I am not good at anything. Seriously, I'm not being an attention seeker, I just honestly am not good at anything. There are things that I can DO, yes, but there is nothing that I can do WELL. I can ALWAYS tell you how I am not good at whatever you tell me I'm good at. "you are so good at cooking" "nope, yesterday I tried mixing watermelon and curry paste and it did not go over well." "you are good at art" "nope, that picture of a cat that you liked was actually a picture of a bowl of fruit so, jokes on you" Alright, there's a little about me. Honest things about me. Your turn. "I wanna see you be brave." Do it today. Be TOTALLY honest with someone today. Tell them that they are such a wonderful friend, but that you really are worried about their boyfriend and that you feel they could be so much happier. While taking out the garbage, go ahead and sing out loud to your favorite Justin Bieber song with no regrets; don't just sing it in your head. And you can dance too, that's okay. Go ahead and show your co-worker the cute pictures you took of your cat dressed up as Dorothy from 'the wizard of oz.' Maybe he'll think that you're adorable for taking pics of your cat you dressed up. Maybe he'll make sure to change cubicles so he never has to be around you...at least you shared what you love. Whatever it is; whatever you feel is your unfinished business, your hidden talent, or your big secret, share it. I think you'll like it.

My Sim had another baby. His wife and him were really excited. I've been playing with this same family for awhile. I decided to make this family and then live vicariously through them, which is great because when the child poops or is hungry, the parent feeds him and changes his diaper and everything is good again. Just like raising real children, right? I think there might be some slight differences between my gaming life and real life...just a few. One difference that actually has got me thinking a lot lately is my Sim wife. I created a beautiful woman and then, bonus, I got to choose her traits and what she likes and and it's great. I am getting to a point in my life where I'm becoming complacent. I enjoy being single. I enjoy spending time with myself. I've forgotten about my real desire. My dream. One day, I want to hold a baby in my arms that doesn't have to be passed back to it's parents. I want a child that will do things that make me think, "Ha ha, that is so me." I think the problem is that I want that child so much I forgot the process of actually OBTAINING that child. AKA: a wife. The problem is, I'm pretty amazing. (I wish you could be here to hear the uncontrollable laughter attached to even the slightest thought that I was being serious when I said that last sentence.) I mean, I am a pretty agreeable guy, especially when it comes to making decisions with myself. I like the same movies as myself and I like the same food as myself. I make a pretty good point and so I'm pretty quick to agree with points that I have made. If I need to cut back on some spending, I argue with myself and pout for a moment and then realized that I'm right and that I need to find a way to cut back. I get my sense of humor, if any, and I am happy with my wardrobe. Adding another person to the equation might just mess me up. I'm awful at math and so equations were never my strong suit. I worry that my wife won't be a perfect fit. I also worry that I won't be the perfect man she wants or needs. I can't fix the plumbing, I would be terrible at changing her tires on her car, and I'm pretty sure that my strengths lie in being a housewife. I'm more Mrs. Cleaver than Mr. Cleaver is what I'm getting at here. Then there's the whole mess of compromising with another person and agreeing to disagree and establishing rules for our children. I'm also far too picky. I'm afraid I'm going to just specify myself right out of a future companion. I guess the important things are what I need to focus on: she must love me, love God, and love children. Then, if she loves to wear a black and white polka-dot dress with bright red shoes, that's a bonus. If I walk into the room and she takes my breath away while she's doing the dishes or doing laundry in fuzzy slippers and sweatpants, that's a bonus. If I want to change things up a bit by adding sprinkles and whipped cream to our pancakes in the morning and she thinks that's just about the greatest thing ever, that's another bonus. If she knows the words to "I'm the Greatest Star" or "The Trolley Song" and will sing along with me (but not butcher them like I do) then there's another bonus. But maybe something I'm forgetting are the unexpected bonuses that I may not know about. Maybe that's what makes a bonus so exciting is when it's not planned on and it adds a new dimension that you didn't see before. Maybe the fact alone that she will love me for the rest of our lives and into eternity should be the ultimate bonus. Maybe I'm over thinking things like I always do. I need to come to terms with the fact that love is not a romantic comedy sometimes. Sometimes it's dirty diapers, overdrawn bank accounts, disagreeable in-laws, and fighting over whether to get a cat or a dog. (we're getting a cat.) It's a balance between relishing in the good times, and learning and growing from the bad times and I guess once I can find that balance, I'll be ready to start on the road to...gulp...dating and eventual marriage so that I can have my perfectly imperfect life. A life that will make my Sim's jealous.

An interesting thing happened to me recently. Have you ever played 'The Sims?' Basically, the premise of the game is to make a person or a family and then you build them a house, give them life aspirations, and see how their life plays out. At least that is how it is supposed to work. You may also create a distractingly ugly person for the sheer humor and then place them in a double-wide with the life aspiration to become the king of their pig-pen lifestyle, planting your figurative flag into the ever-increasing mountain of garbage growing in your home. I must say that my favorite part of 'The Sims' is creating an individual who is rough around the edges and then placing them in a poor home that has lots of potential. Then, once that Sim has reached an appropriate level of self-deeming success, I simply create a new Sim. Similarly, Guy has reached the maximum level of success I see fit for him. He is a world-renown actor, an irresistible play-boy, and so rich he wipes his nose with Benjamins and has a different car for every day of the week. So it's time for me to 'make a new Sim' as it were. I used to have dreams of being someone different. Someone important. Someone that the world looked up to and was even quite jealous of. My reason for this escape was because it was just that. It was an escape. An escape from my problems and the pains I was feeling in this life. Guy could do so much more than Brent ever could hope for. If there was something I didn't like about my life, I would simply change it in my head. Brent, you are poor...well...Guy is rich. Brent, you aren't getting attention from guys and girls that you want...well...Guy is loved by everyone, more importantly, Guy is DESIRED of by everyone. Guy had it all I thought. Brent had nothing. The interesting thing that happened to me recently is that I noticed something about my life. In sticking with 'The Sims' analogy; in the game you can, at least in 'The Sims 3', you can change your Sim's lifetime aspiration. So instead of being a celebrity they can hope for a lot of friends, an amazing garden, or to own 70 cats or something. Something else they can hope for is a family. That's something Brent can hope for. So, I'm 'creating a new Sim.' I realized in my life that fame and fortune are something that is dwindling as a hope for my future; partially because I will never attain either, but also because I have bigger plans. I noticed that in my Sim gaming I always had that same pattern. Create a Sim who is rough around the edges, place them into a poor place that has lots of potential, reach that potential, and then start over with a new Sim. I liked this because the fun was not having a huge mansion and a yacht and a killer body and nice hair and thousands of friends and...well..you get the picture. The fun in the game was reaching that success. I found joy in the journey. It's quite boring, at least for me, to cheat in the game and give my Sim everything he ever wanted. At that point, the game is over. There is nothing exciting for me to do anymore. So, I'm creating a new Sim. His name is Brent and, though he is rough around the edges and is in a poor place in regards to where he thought he could be, he has a LOT of potential. I thought I could make a blog without mentioning religion. Without bring God into it. I thought 'people will hate that. People will get turned off by that and tune out.' Well, the problem with that, which, really isn't a problem...is that I need God in everything. God understands the need for rough edges, lifetime aspirations that may not come when you want them or maybe even when YOU think you need them. God helps you to reach your potential and, thanks to Christ, you can always start over with a new Sim all the time. I'm excited for this new Sim. Brent will have a family. He will serve others (or at least try.) Brent will be rich; rich in children and the joys that they bring that you can't put a price on. Brent will have a super wonderful Sim wife. She, uh... she doesn't have a name yet, but God made her for me and right now He is working on her the same way He is working on me. The same way I work with my Sims and make them better. That's the fun part. That is the challenging part. Guy was fun for awhile, but I tend to think about a wife and children now more than I do of fame and fortune. I think of baby bottles and date nights instead of Champagne and Broadway auditions (although that doesn't stop me from singing 'I'm the Greatest Star' in my car all the time.) I think of tears of joy from holding my first baby and tears of sadness when my wife and I fight over how we are going to make ends meet rather than thinking of the temporary pleasure from sexual conquests and fighting with my agent over not getting a million dollars an episode for my hit T.V. show. So for those of you who enjoyed watching the life of Guy, I'm glad you enjoyed the ride. But for those who want to tune in next time for the exciting story of Brent, I'm glad you want to join me and am looking forward to the new story we can start together.

The sun comes up over the south of France. I step out onto my yacht and yawn and stretch and take a look at the glorious life I lead. "Crepes, sir?" my assistant asks. "Why, sure. Oh, and an omelet. And some sausages. Oo, oo, and also some fresh fruit, you know, gotta be healthy." Not that it matters. I eat and eat and stay thin and tan and gorgeous. Next stop, Paris for some shopping. After that, head over to London and do some serious eating of...whatever they have in England. Take a stop off in Egypt and see some pyramids and end off holding a koala bear in Australia. Good vacation. I returned home from my first official vacation in about 7 years. Unlike, "Guy", I did not go to the Caribbean or Ireland or.... Pittsburgh? No, I went to southern California. I forgot how freeing the salty beach air can be or how great it is to wear a swimsuit and flip-flops all day and not having to worry about doing my hair. I got a tan that is now peeling...a lot. It will be gone in a few days, I'm sure of it. I had a couple of thoughts upon my return from my vacation. 1- I'm glad I'm not Guy. I'm glad that I don't have a yacht and millions of dollars to take a vacation whenever I want. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. One of the reasons I loved my vacation so much was because I appreciated it. I worked so hard for that time off (and I am still working hard to make up for the loss of income while ON vacation!) I guess you can look at it this way: if you never ate cheesecake, you would never know the complete joy that comes from the caramelly, delicious, sweet, melt in your mouth taste of cheesecake (aaaaand now I want cheesecake) in comparison, if you had cheesecake for every meal, you would get sick of it (...maybe...doubtful...but maybe) I suppose what I'm saying is you that have to experience the pain to really love the pleasure. You have to do without in order to appreciate the...with, as it were. 2-Home is where the heart is (and the family!) I loved my vacation, but about 7 days into it, I really started to miss my nieces and nephews. I missed the talks with my uncle. I missed the wonderful friends at work. I missed the routine and I missed my stuffed turtle! I realized that nothing: not the epic waves, the tasty fish tacos at Pedro's or the incomparable pastrami sandwiches at The Hat, the warm sand on my feet, and the smell of salty beach air; none of that can compare to the sound of my aunt's laugh at a funny story that happened to her, the way my niece calls her brother, "cookie!" the smile that I get from my nephew that makes my mom jealous, and the sound of friends saying, with a smile, "Hi Brent!" when I walk into work. I'm heading to Japan in October and I'm so excited, but I know that my heart will never be far from the place I love and the people that make it home.