It's been a few weeks since my relationship with my partner ended. It's tough and it's taking a toll on me. Mostly on my body. I've been in a much longer relationship with food. That relationship is a love-hate relationship. I love food. It hates me and my body. I have been working out with a trainer for the last 6 days... I uh... I have not been working out with a trainer. But I have been working out with Wii Fit Plus for the last week. So far I've lost 2 pounds, then gained 1, then lost 2, then gained 4....basically I'm at the same place I was when I started. Despite this fact, I persevere. "as you're doing this exercise, imagine your ideal body." my video game trainer tells me. "oh I am," I yell at him, "and you know what!? I'm depressed now. Where's my Doritos?" "So Guy, of course you know what I'm going to ask you next," Graham Norton says, "how do you get a body like that?" I roll my eyes and chuckle at the question I've been asked a hundred times already. "Well, Graham. Basically I live off of a diet of tamales and cheesecake. I never work out, and most of the day I spend napping or laying in front of the t.v." The audience laughs and I laugh along, wishing that were true... I wish it were true. I wish that cheesecake was full of anti-oxidants and natural vitamins and minerals. I wish that for every 6 pack of soda I drink, another inch melts off my waist. And I wish that every time I got up in the morning counted for 1,000 crunches...that way, every morning I would get up and have immediately done a 1,000 crunches. 1,000 crunches every morning...Yea...I'd be set. In reality, 1 4 oz piece of cheesecake equals 4 lbs straight to my gut. 1 can of soda equals 1 pound of fat per man-boob. and every time I get up in the morning, my back creaks and my I let out a noise that, if I were underwater, would grab the attention of many a mating humpback whale. How do we do it? How are we expected to stay thin and beautiful when Alfredo sauce exists? How are we supposed to stay fit and trim when there's Modern Warfare to be played..(Okay...Sims 3. Never played Modern Warfare, but I felt I might have been losing some of you!) And how are we supposed to remain young and beautiful forever when there's that nagging invention of aging. (Just me, or when you look at the word aging, do you see AGG-ING? Moving on...) I don't think it's fair that celebrities can afford personal trainers. I'd look frickin amazing if I had a personal trainer to chew my butt off all day...probably have a smaller butt too. And it's not fair that celebrities have all sorts of money to spend on a ultra lean, farm fed, weight sucking chicken from the lush fields of... mmmm-montana..or something. If I could afford a week's worth of organic...well..organic ANYTHING, then I could lose weight too. But you know what? an organic red pepper costs 3 dollars. A frozen pizza costs 88 cents. And I know what you're thinking, "you're a boy, you don't have to worry about it." Oh really? Really? I think as a boy, I have to worry more. Thanks to Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Grey, ALL men have to worry more. Even TV isn't safe. I love Glee, but if Sam takes his shirt off one more time I'm going to cry.... half out of sadness, half because he's just so pretty. In a perfect world, I wouldn't need to worry about weight, muscle, or aging. But no one's perfect except Jesus and Jennifer Aniston (seriously, that woman can do no wrong. Have you seen her smart water ads?) so until then I will have to continue my Wii Fit regimen and eating an egg for breakfast, Wal-Mart chicken for lunch, and frozen light pizza for dinner. Seriously...88 cents.

"My next guest just won his fifth Academy Award and is currently starring in anything you have seen in theaters or will see in theaters: Guy Guest." "Hi Ellen Degeneres. Thanks so much for having me on." "Oh, Guy, you are quite the "in-demand" star these days so thank YOU for coming. So, tell us about this new movie you're in." "Well, Ellen, it's a hard hitting look at the political strife and biological warfare that is being utilized in eastern Asia and Africa." "Oh my. Well that sounds very deep and like it took a lot of time to get into that role and memorize such a highly intellectual script." "Oh it was, Ellen...it was." So, my best friend from my youth came over today. He brought me a copy of his new book. It's staring at me from my nightstand at the moment. I haven't read it yet, but I will be getting around to it. That and working out. And eating healthier. And surfing in Australia. And going shopping in Paris. And discovering a cure for a new virus I discovered. I'm actually super proud of my friend. The work that he went through to write, self-publish, and then distribute this novel is quite impressive. At the same time, I ponder upon the things I have accomplished, literary or otherwise. Aside from a cleverly worded Tweet or a witty retort to a facebook status, I'm pretty sure I've not written anything profound or life changing or even entertaining, for that matter. I have not yet discovered that virus or a cure for it. I can put together a pretty decent outfit, but that's not altering anyone's life. So what have I done? In my head, I like to think up story lines for movies. I have probably watched a total of 6 or 7 self-produced, written, cast, and directed movies so far. In the very rare case that these "films" will ever actually be recognized and actually come to fruition, I'm not going to disclose any plot lines or ideas. But I will say...they are epic. They are thought provoking and they are, sometimes, controversial; going where no film has ever gone before (no, none of them are science fiction) Today I shoveled the driveway for my parents. A fruitless act of service seeing as how the snow is falling so fast and thick that the driveway is now covered again. I bought lunch for my best friend (not the one who wrote the book) a few days ago. I'm poor now and he just bought me lunch today...sooo, kind of back to square one there. I saw a dog in the middle of the road and I stopped and let it walk in front of me. Did I get out of my car and help locate his owner? No, but I did let him live for a few more minutes...So I guess I did something for that dog. My point here? I don't think I will ever make a movie that will have people in tears; leaving the theater wanting to make a change in their lives. I will never save an old woman and her 29 cats from a burning building and be recognized as a hero. I will never write a novel that will eventually star Daniel Radcliffe, Jennifer Lawrence, or Kristen Stewart. (though I probably would be better off without that last one) In short, I can't make a big change on the world. But I'm trying...Starting with my parents, my best friend, and that homeless dog.

Sometimes, everybody needs to take step a back; To reevaluate their life. Hi, My names Brent and I'm one of those such individuals. My ten year high school reunion is this year and I have been thinking about what I would say when a girl I don't remember will ask me with a giant toothy grin, "oh my gosh, it's SOOOO good to see you! So, what have you been up to in the past ten years!!!??" "Oh, me? Well, as you know in high school I spent all of my time just disgustingly immersed in the world of theater, you know... acting. And, well, yea once I graduated I got a full ride scholarship to America's finest acting university where I was, of course, discovered and immediately became a heartthrob of the stage and screen. And well, now, I spend most of my time lounging about my La Jolla mansion and wondering why I need 3 Olympic size swimming pools and a coat made entirely of baby peacock feathers." Then I go back to reality: "Oh, well I graduated, served a Mormon mission, took a semester of study at College, failed EVERY single class, opted for a technical college, worked at an old folks home, got married to a boy, quit my job at a retirement home and got a different job I enjoy much more, divorced the boy I was with after 6 wonderful years of marriage, and, well, now I just spend most of my time renting a room out of my parent's home, living vicariously through my Sims 3 sims and wondering why I don't have 3 Olympic size swimming pools and a coat made entirely out of baby peacock feathers." Okay...so that sounds pretty depressing, I realize. It's not though. It's actually kind of refreshing. It's like...Okay, so have you ever been in line for a ride at an amusement park and it's like your next up for the ride and so you are standing behind those highly ineffective yet somehow still totally necessary gates. And while you're standing there, you are just imagining how wonderful the ride is going to be. Then the ride comes to a stop in front of you. Your turn. That's kind of where I'm at right now. Except in MY version, a kid has just thrown up and he was in the front and (we're gonna say the ride the is a roller coaster) and so his vomit has just systematically gone from face to face to face of everyone sitting behind him. So they have to shut down the ride for a moment to wash off the caked on puke, leaving me waiting for an even longer amount of time for my ride to begin...thanks pukey kid. Graphic, but you get the idea. Money is the vomit of my life. Apparently, you have to PAY to eat, to sleep, and to have a place to call home. I mean, unless you're a hobo, but even then I'm sure that hobo had to pay for those urine soaked shoes. Oh my gosh I would hate to be a hobo...wait, where was I? Oh right, money is vomit. So, until I can afford to move out, I get to live here. With my parents. It's not terrible. I mean, they knock before they enter my room and it is an interesting experience to fall asleep with the gentle, muffled voices of the cast of whatever Japanese movie my dad is listening to in the other room. However, it really isn't where I expected to be at 28. I stretch and yawn and am immediately revitalized. "Sir, you're personal trainer is here." "Thank you, Rumford, show him in." After an hour of working out, I shower and check out my Zac Efron body in the mirror. Damn, look at you, sir. You are a sexy beast. I slip on my Gucci loafers, Armani coat, and Oakley sunglasses and head out the door. "Call Chris." I calmly said into my 1,500 dollar phone...that was used as a prop on The Dark Knight movie. "Chris? Oh hey, my best friend Chris Colfer who is the star of Glee, one of the most popular shows on television. Where are we going for lunch today? Beso? You want to go to Beso, the restaurant owned by Eva Longoria? Why sure, Chris Colfer, my b.f.f. we can go there." The wind blows through my hair and I smile a gorgeous, bleach white smile. Oh Chris Colfer, my best buddy, you are so funny. Oh, goodness. Someone wants my autograph, no surprise there. I sign Guy Guest (the name I made up for myself knowing I would be an internationally known Superstar...you know like Madonna or Lady Gaga or Snookie) I blow a kiss and Chris rolls his eyes and looks at me with that oh, you. You silly fantastic celebrity, you look. I order my $11.00 cheesecake and begin to take a bite. A cool, creamy, delicious- "Honey! Dinner's ready!" "Coming mom." Well, gotta eat dinner now. It's not Beso, it's spaghetti. But for now...it's home.