"What's one thing that no one knows about you?" My response: "Nobody knows the real me, because I don't act like me unless I'm by myself." Alright, the last few days I was thinking over my blog and I was looking at my Facebook and was considering my relationship with others and I thought about a few things. I think that everyone could say that about themselves, "I am most myself when I am BY myself." We all hide a part or parts of us from others. I don't know your reasons, but mine? My reasons are so that people won't hate me. So that people won't laugh at me. So that people won't be embarrassed for me. And so that people don't assume I am just this one thing or that one thing. So, like me, we all share what we think others can handle. We post pictures that are appropriate or that don't show us crying because we are alone or we don't post pictures of us smoking marijuana or we don't tweet that we just ate our six year old daughter's last two pieces of chocolate because "she won't know any better if I lie to her." There are things we just don't share with the world because of what they will think of us. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't know if it's a good thing that ALL of the things we do aren't directly fed to the internet or projected to people. The good thing about this is that we may have gone to a stip club once, felt awful about it and never did it again and, because we have privacy, we can move on with our lives and are free to make mistakes. I think that's why celebrities go crazy sometimes because they can't privately move on from mistakes they've made. (It's okay Vanessa Hudgens, almost everyone forgot about your pics) The bad thing about not having your whole life public is that sometimes, people are silently wonderful. We can't see our Grandfather holding our Granmother's hand while they watch a movie together, but maybe we see them argue at a family dinner. We can't see our tough-guy brother stop and wait for a family of ducks to cross the road or talk baby talk to his pet kitten when he's home alone, but maybe we are angry with him for calling us queer and mocking us for crying when we fall down. We don't know how often our unhappy and unkind neighbor laughs while playing with her grandchildren. We can't be sure how often the sexist, vulgar man at work reads his scriptures and feels ridiculous for being "that guy" at work. Heaven knows I've made mistakes and am so glad that I can come back from those mistakes and resolve to do better. So let's not judge others for the mistakes that they make or for being the way that "they are" when we see them at work or at a family picnic or when we see them on the street. Because maybe that is not the way "they are" but it is the only way they know how "to be" at that moment. The real reason for this post is that I'm wonderful. I'm fantastic, hilarious, witty, kind, and caring. I'm also selfish, self-centered but at the same time self-loathing and terribly unkind to myself. I'm brutally aware of my shortcomings and beat myself up mentally and verbally all the time. I love my eyes, but I hate my nose. I sound 'uber gay' sometimes (especially when Rosalind Russell is brought up...which is...never cuz no one knows who that is. But...definitely when The Sims is brought up) but in my head I sometimes sound like a really hot, straight guy. There is so much about me that no one knows. But sometimes, I feel like well...Sandra Bullock, or Lucy Moderatz as it were, said it perfectly: "Have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with." I've always loved that line. But there's this other part of me that thinks, "if they really knew what I was like, they would laugh at me or worse, they wouldn't laugh at me, but be repulsed or annoyed by me." As I was thinking about it, I decided, 'you know, a good way to determine what people's reactions to the real me would be is to act like the real me" but that's too scary. So I decided upon the next best thing; I can type about what the real me is like a little bit. I mean, this method works all the time with online dating and texting. People feel more free to say things and be a certain way online where it is not so scary than being themselves in front of actual people. So here's a little bit about the real me.... *sigh *nervously scans room "focus!! You can do this!" *summons up courage.... A bit about myself: I have regular interviews with Ellen Degeneres and the ladies from the view in my head. I lip-sync in a very extreme way to the songs "bosom buddies," "Romeo and Juliet," and "I'm the Greatest Star." So much so, that it would appear to some that I'm auditioning for the very roles of Vera Charles, Jimmy Harper, or Fanny Brice. There is at least one time each day where I imagine different 'meet cutes' for my future wife and I. I secretly really wish to be an interior designer, but do not want to fail and I know that I am too lazy to accomplish schooling in that field, so I don't pursue it. Also, I don't think there would be a market for me where I live. I feel this same way about being an actor. Also if I became an actor I would become a terrible person I can almost guarantee it. It is my honest belief that God is keeping me poor so that I, once again, don't become a terrible person. I have never eaten beets, because they sound absolutely disgusting. I get confused by them, however because they look like that cranberry sauce that you get in a can and I love that stuff. So...I WANT to eat beets if they taste like that canned cranberry sauce, but I know that they won't...beets make me angry. I am honest to a fault. In fact, I will tell people things and I get a bit confused when they get offended because I wasn't trying to be offensive, I was being honest. "Brent, do you think Greg and I would make a good match?" "No, you need attention and Greg is hilarious and I think you would feel like you weren't getting enough attention as Greg, because he would make more people laugh than you." "Oh...wow...that was brutal..." And then I get that confused look again. I'm just being honest. Greg's hilarious. That girl would have an awful time with him trying to compete for attention. This is truth, not offensive. I also get a confused face for a second when people laugh at me because I'm trying to figure out if I said something funny or just super embarrassing that made them laugh. Either way, I shake it off and laugh and hope that it was just that I said something amusing. I think I'm hilarious and I think I'm the only one that thinks I'm funny so I get a bit thrown off when other people say "you're funny." "no, I'm not. Only I think I'm funny." That probably doesn't make sense. I will spend hours at night having conversations with people at work, family, clergy, or even famous people that are ONLY happening in my head. None of these conversations have ever actually happened and I never expect them to happen, but they make me feel better. I'm seriously worried that my kids are going to be kids and I'm going to forget that they are 4 and that I'm going to become really angry with them when they don't understand that you don't hit someone else or that you don't whine. Children acting like children make me frustrated. So my kid better have a 40 year old soul and act like a responsible and reasonably thinking adult...or else I'm going to have to make some serious changes in my life and in my thinking. Changes I don't want to make because I'm selfish...I don't want to have kids if they are going to act like kids and that makes me instantly sad. I will never say "I love you" to anyone. If I do, I'm saying it because you said it to me first and or because I feel like that is what you need to hear. I'm an open book. Seriously, ask me anything about myself and I will tell you about myself. I'm narcissistic in that regard. I love talking about myself. (hence this last paragraph) Don't let that fool you though, I love trying to understand other people. Their reactions to things, their thoughts on lust, jealousy, drama, goals, music, movies, or anything really (except for politics and abortion...just don't talk to me about either) People who don't believe in God confuse me more than almost anything else in this world. In fact, once I find out that someone is an atheist, I have a hard time looking at them without feeling totally sad. I don't hate them, I love them and want to help them, but know that they will not accept help because they know that they don't need any help. I love dancing. I can not dance as I've had no formal training and any time that I dance it ends up just looking like a male stripper (it really is not my intention, but the few people I have seriously danced in front of tell me that I look like a male stripper. This makes me happy to know that they think I'm sexy, but a half a second later I just get horrified that I will never be able to dance in public without people thinking I had a very shady past as an 'entertainer.') I also love singing and sometimes love 'hitting the notes' that are being sung in a song. Then I tell myself, 'calm down; don't get cocky, you actually suck and if people were listening to you right now and were honest, they would tell you the same thing' I am not good at anything. Seriously, I'm not being an attention seeker, I just honestly am not good at anything. There are things that I can DO, yes, but there is nothing that I can do WELL. I can ALWAYS tell you how I am not good at whatever you tell me I'm good at. "you are so good at cooking" "nope, yesterday I tried mixing watermelon and curry paste and it did not go over well." "you are good at art" "nope, that picture of a cat that you liked was actually a picture of a bowl of fruit so, jokes on you" Alright, there's a little about me. Honest things about me. Your turn. "I wanna see you be brave." Do it today. Be TOTALLY honest with someone today. Tell them that they are such a wonderful friend, but that you really are worried about their boyfriend and that you feel they could be so much happier. While taking out the garbage, go ahead and sing out loud to your favorite Justin Bieber song with no regrets; don't just sing it in your head. And you can dance too, that's okay. Go ahead and show your co-worker the cute pictures you took of your cat dressed up as Dorothy from 'the wizard of oz.' Maybe he'll think that you're adorable for taking pics of your cat you dressed up. Maybe he'll make sure to change cubicles so he never has to be around you...at least you shared what you love. Whatever it is; whatever you feel is your unfinished business, your hidden talent, or your big secret, share it. I think you'll like it.

My Sim had another baby. His wife and him were really excited. I've been playing with this same family for awhile. I decided to make this family and then live vicariously through them, which is great because when the child poops or is hungry, the parent feeds him and changes his diaper and everything is good again. Just like raising real children, right? I think there might be some slight differences between my gaming life and real life...just a few. One difference that actually has got me thinking a lot lately is my Sim wife. I created a beautiful woman and then, bonus, I got to choose her traits and what she likes and and it's great. I am getting to a point in my life where I'm becoming complacent. I enjoy being single. I enjoy spending time with myself. I've forgotten about my real desire. My dream. One day, I want to hold a baby in my arms that doesn't have to be passed back to it's parents. I want a child that will do things that make me think, "Ha ha, that is so me." I think the problem is that I want that child so much I forgot the process of actually OBTAINING that child. AKA: a wife. The problem is, I'm pretty amazing. (I wish you could be here to hear the uncontrollable laughter attached to even the slightest thought that I was being serious when I said that last sentence.) I mean, I am a pretty agreeable guy, especially when it comes to making decisions with myself. I like the same movies as myself and I like the same food as myself. I make a pretty good point and so I'm pretty quick to agree with points that I have made. If I need to cut back on some spending, I argue with myself and pout for a moment and then realized that I'm right and that I need to find a way to cut back. I get my sense of humor, if any, and I am happy with my wardrobe. Adding another person to the equation might just mess me up. I'm awful at math and so equations were never my strong suit. I worry that my wife won't be a perfect fit. I also worry that I won't be the perfect man she wants or needs. I can't fix the plumbing, I would be terrible at changing her tires on her car, and I'm pretty sure that my strengths lie in being a housewife. I'm more Mrs. Cleaver than Mr. Cleaver is what I'm getting at here. Then there's the whole mess of compromising with another person and agreeing to disagree and establishing rules for our children. I'm also far too picky. I'm afraid I'm going to just specify myself right out of a future companion. I guess the important things are what I need to focus on: she must love me, love God, and love children. Then, if she loves to wear a black and white polka-dot dress with bright red shoes, that's a bonus. If I walk into the room and she takes my breath away while she's doing the dishes or doing laundry in fuzzy slippers and sweatpants, that's a bonus. If I want to change things up a bit by adding sprinkles and whipped cream to our pancakes in the morning and she thinks that's just about the greatest thing ever, that's another bonus. If she knows the words to "I'm the Greatest Star" or "The Trolley Song" and will sing along with me (but not butcher them like I do) then there's another bonus. But maybe something I'm forgetting are the unexpected bonuses that I may not know about. Maybe that's what makes a bonus so exciting is when it's not planned on and it adds a new dimension that you didn't see before. Maybe the fact alone that she will love me for the rest of our lives and into eternity should be the ultimate bonus. Maybe I'm over thinking things like I always do. I need to come to terms with the fact that love is not a romantic comedy sometimes. Sometimes it's dirty diapers, overdrawn bank accounts, disagreeable in-laws, and fighting over whether to get a cat or a dog. (we're getting a cat.) It's a balance between relishing in the good times, and learning and growing from the bad times and I guess once I can find that balance, I'll be ready to start on the road to...gulp...dating and eventual marriage so that I can have my perfectly imperfect life. A life that will make my Sim's jealous.

An interesting thing happened to me recently. Have you ever played 'The Sims?' Basically, the premise of the game is to make a person or a family and then you build them a house, give them life aspirations, and see how their life plays out. At least that is how it is supposed to work. You may also create a distractingly ugly person for the sheer humor and then place them in a double-wide with the life aspiration to become the king of their pig-pen lifestyle, planting your figurative flag into the ever-increasing mountain of garbage growing in your home. I must say that my favorite part of 'The Sims' is creating an individual who is rough around the edges and then placing them in a poor home that has lots of potential. Then, once that Sim has reached an appropriate level of self-deeming success, I simply create a new Sim. Similarly, Guy has reached the maximum level of success I see fit for him. He is a world-renown actor, an irresistible play-boy, and so rich he wipes his nose with Benjamins and has a different car for every day of the week. So it's time for me to 'make a new Sim' as it were. I used to have dreams of being someone different. Someone important. Someone that the world looked up to and was even quite jealous of. My reason for this escape was because it was just that. It was an escape. An escape from my problems and the pains I was feeling in this life. Guy could do so much more than Brent ever could hope for. If there was something I didn't like about my life, I would simply change it in my head. Brent, you are poor...well...Guy is rich. Brent, you aren't getting attention from guys and girls that you want...well...Guy is loved by everyone, more importantly, Guy is DESIRED of by everyone. Guy had it all I thought. Brent had nothing. The interesting thing that happened to me recently is that I noticed something about my life. In sticking with 'The Sims' analogy; in the game you can, at least in 'The Sims 3', you can change your Sim's lifetime aspiration. So instead of being a celebrity they can hope for a lot of friends, an amazing garden, or to own 70 cats or something. Something else they can hope for is a family. That's something Brent can hope for. So, I'm 'creating a new Sim.' I realized in my life that fame and fortune are something that is dwindling as a hope for my future; partially because I will never attain either, but also because I have bigger plans. I noticed that in my Sim gaming I always had that same pattern. Create a Sim who is rough around the edges, place them into a poor place that has lots of potential, reach that potential, and then start over with a new Sim. I liked this because the fun was not having a huge mansion and a yacht and a killer body and nice hair and thousands of friends and...well..you get the picture. The fun in the game was reaching that success. I found joy in the journey. It's quite boring, at least for me, to cheat in the game and give my Sim everything he ever wanted. At that point, the game is over. There is nothing exciting for me to do anymore. So, I'm creating a new Sim. His name is Brent and, though he is rough around the edges and is in a poor place in regards to where he thought he could be, he has a LOT of potential. I thought I could make a blog without mentioning religion. Without bring God into it. I thought 'people will hate that. People will get turned off by that and tune out.' Well, the problem with that, which, really isn't a problem...is that I need God in everything. God understands the need for rough edges, lifetime aspirations that may not come when you want them or maybe even when YOU think you need them. God helps you to reach your potential and, thanks to Christ, you can always start over with a new Sim all the time. I'm excited for this new Sim. Brent will have a family. He will serve others (or at least try.) Brent will be rich; rich in children and the joys that they bring that you can't put a price on. Brent will have a super wonderful Sim wife. She, uh... she doesn't have a name yet, but God made her for me and right now He is working on her the same way He is working on me. The same way I work with my Sims and make them better. That's the fun part. That is the challenging part. Guy was fun for awhile, but I tend to think about a wife and children now more than I do of fame and fortune. I think of baby bottles and date nights instead of Champagne and Broadway auditions (although that doesn't stop me from singing 'I'm the Greatest Star' in my car all the time.) I think of tears of joy from holding my first baby and tears of sadness when my wife and I fight over how we are going to make ends meet rather than thinking of the temporary pleasure from sexual conquests and fighting with my agent over not getting a million dollars an episode for my hit T.V. show. So for those of you who enjoyed watching the life of Guy, I'm glad you enjoyed the ride. But for those who want to tune in next time for the exciting story of Brent, I'm glad you want to join me and am looking forward to the new story we can start together.

The sun comes up over the south of France. I step out onto my yacht and yawn and stretch and take a look at the glorious life I lead. "Crepes, sir?" my assistant asks. "Why, sure. Oh, and an omelet. And some sausages. Oo, oo, and also some fresh fruit, you know, gotta be healthy." Not that it matters. I eat and eat and stay thin and tan and gorgeous. Next stop, Paris for some shopping. After that, head over to London and do some serious eating of...whatever they have in England. Take a stop off in Egypt and see some pyramids and end off holding a koala bear in Australia. Good vacation. I returned home from my first official vacation in about 7 years. Unlike, "Guy", I did not go to the Caribbean or Ireland or.... Pittsburgh? No, I went to southern California. I forgot how freeing the salty beach air can be or how great it is to wear a swimsuit and flip-flops all day and not having to worry about doing my hair. I got a tan that is now peeling...a lot. It will be gone in a few days, I'm sure of it. I had a couple of thoughts upon my return from my vacation. 1- I'm glad I'm not Guy. I'm glad that I don't have a yacht and millions of dollars to take a vacation whenever I want. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. One of the reasons I loved my vacation so much was because I appreciated it. I worked so hard for that time off (and I am still working hard to make up for the loss of income while ON vacation!) I guess you can look at it this way: if you never ate cheesecake, you would never know the complete joy that comes from the caramelly, delicious, sweet, melt in your mouth taste of cheesecake (aaaaand now I want cheesecake) in comparison, if you had cheesecake for every meal, you would get sick of it (...maybe...doubtful...but maybe) I suppose what I'm saying is you that have to experience the pain to really love the pleasure. You have to do without in order to appreciate the...with, as it were. 2-Home is where the heart is (and the family!) I loved my vacation, but about 7 days into it, I really started to miss my nieces and nephews. I missed the talks with my uncle. I missed the wonderful friends at work. I missed the routine and I missed my stuffed turtle! I realized that nothing: not the epic waves, the tasty fish tacos at Pedro's or the incomparable pastrami sandwiches at The Hat, the warm sand on my feet, and the smell of salty beach air; none of that can compare to the sound of my aunt's laugh at a funny story that happened to her, the way my niece calls her brother, "cookie!" the smile that I get from my nephew that makes my mom jealous, and the sound of friends saying, with a smile, "Hi Brent!" when I walk into work. I'm heading to Japan in October and I'm so excited, but I know that my heart will never be far from the place I love and the people that make it home.

I've taken to dating myself. Explanation? Well. Here's how it goes. Since I decided to move on and move up in my life and get into a better place spiritually, I've made some big changes. Many won't understand the reasons why and I can't explain them to anyone because I don't know anyone like me. I will say that I believe certain things. These beliefs make it useless for me to pursue a relationship with a guy. In addition, I am not interested in girls. Where does this leave me? Well, many in this situation would say "hopelessly alone" and they would be half right. I am alone. This does not mean I am lonely. I still have my parents, my sisters, my brother, my friends, my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, co-workers. The amount of people I DO have in my life is actually rather overwhelming sometimes to think about. I guess other people would probably think about "who am I going to hold when I'm sad?" or "I haven't kissed anyone in six months." I suppose that those are valid points, but I'm lucky I guess in that I am not one for kissing or cuddling. I like a good back scratch, but I have friends and family for that (Am I dropping hints...maybe. Probably. Yes, yes I would love a back scratch please.) I guess that's one blessing I can gain from the fact that I've resigned myself to being single for...well...ever. The blessing being that I don't particularly need kisses, sex, or cuddles but opt for hugs and back scratches (seriously, if anyone wants to volunteer.) And I'm not hopeless. I hope for a future filled with family activities. I hope for a future filled with dinner parties, road trips, and sleep overs. I hope for a relationship with my family, friends, and God that I can be proud of and enjoy. This doesn't mean that I still get the sympathetic look and that 'comforting' phrase "you will find someone!" When did this become a need? Have we always been a people who need a girlfriend, husband, lover, or an innumerable amount of cats for us to be complete? Is there some sort of bug in my system or a defect in my physical make-up that causes me to be content as a single man? Did the cave man tell his buddy upon a break-up "Dude, she no good for you. Me find you better lady. She be prettier." I just don't understand when it became a social step backwards to be single. I mean, if you think about it, we've been told since our beginnings that we are destined to be a 'you and me' and not 'I.' We are born at the same time as one of our parent's friend's kid and they say to each other "ooooh, I think they are going to marry each other some day!" How well did that work out for you? We throw sand at the girl at the park and the girl hears "oh, it's just cuz he likes you." No, I'm pretty sure I threw sand at her, cuz the trollop took my dump-truck. It doesn't mean we are destined to be together. It's sad that we get sad when someone we know is single. Is it offense if I tell my heartbroken friend "well, I'm sorry he broke up with you, but at least you can be alone now." She probably wouldn't be too happy about that...but I don't know why she wouldn't be. Why wouldn't she be happy at the prospect of being with the one person that she truly understands. The one person who truly will love her for all of her faults and all of her amazing talents. The one person that can appreciate her: herself. I was sitting with my stuffed turtle, Checkers, on my bed watching "the kid" (No, not the one with Bruce Willis like my mom thought.) and I said to Checkers (don't make fun, at least he listens to me) "Checkers, I'm pretty sure no one else out there is doing this right now." I think that a lot. I don't know anyone who's idea of a fantastic and fulfilling Friday night is making a 7-11 run for donuts and nachos and then coming home and watching a Bette Davis movie. (Bytheway 'Dark Victory'....good movie, rent it if you get a chance.) I don't think I know anyone who sings "Don't sit Under the Apple Tree" or "Mambo Italiano" loudly in their car. I have a crush on Tommy Kirk and Tony Dow (When they were younger, obviously). Go ahead, Google them. I got excited when I found an Alice in Wonderland coloring book. I talk to my stuffed turtle. I think I've made my point. I'm unusual. But you know what? I wouldn't have me any other way. If you can find me a girl who misses the Meg Ryan from "Sleepless in Seattle" and "You've got mail", who thinks that Sandra Bullock's best role was in "While you were Sleeping", who has a family or who wants a family like Toula Portokalos in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", who thinks that Judy Garland's version of 'Puttin on the Ritz' is the best version out there, and who becomes emotional when they reach the awful realization that one day Julie Andrews, Barbra Streisand, and Debbie Reynolds will die....if you can find that girl, let me know. She'll be about 1/100th of the way there to reaching my level of quirkiness, strangeness, misunderstood...ness(?) and wonderfulness. Many out there will still not understand. They still won't get my message. My message is simple...and cheesy, but I love simplicity and I love cheese so I will state my message. Love yourself. Find that relationship with yourself that you would love to have with another person. Go on a date with yourself. YOU pick the restaurant, YOU pick the movie, and YOU pick what you wear (I choose a sweater and slacks because I live by the philosophy that a comfy pair of nice slacks is heaven.) Decide what you like and, more importantly who you are. Are you an artist? Are you political? Are you a couch potato? Does 'Finding Nemo' make you cry? Do you hate spicy food? Are you an activist? Do you like the roll of toilet paper over or under? These are the important things you should know about yourself. I'm not political. I hate action movies. I prefer the t.p. over, but I'm okay with it under. 'Finding Nemo' Doesn't make me cry, but 'Mr. Holland's Opus' gets me every time. (When he sings to his son, Cole...yea...I sniffle...a lot) I'm funny, creative, lazy, complicated, simple, kind-hearted, shy, and single. And I'm okay with that. With ALL of that.

"What are my plans for today, Garrett?" I ask my 19 year-old, blonde, toned, and highly attractive man-servant/secretary. "Well. 6:30 to 7:30 you are having breakfast with Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter before the sun comes up." "They do hate that sunlight," I think aloud. "8:00 to 10:00, yoga and MMA training" "Naturally" "10:30 to 11:45, meeting with Quentin Tarantino to discuss new film. I believe he's turning the Grand Theft Auto games into movies. You'll be playing some sort of ladies man...good luck with that." Garrett says with a bit too much of a hint of sarcasm. "12:00 to 1:30ish, lunch with Kate Winslet, but you know how much she adores you so it will probably last til 3." "I do adore Kate..." I say with a loving sigh "3:00 to 3:15, dentist appointment" "cancel it. I'll just buy new teeth if mine get too bad." "Ooookay, cancel that. 5:30 to 8:45, you have that party at Justin Timberlake's home, Make sure to wear your suit and tie...aaaand that leaves the rest of the night open to do whatever you'd like with me..." BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP. "UGH!" I growl at my alarm clock and practically throw it across the room to show my hatred. I ooze my way to the bathroom, pray I'm making it in the middle and not all over the sides, ooze back to my room and remember: oh wait..I don't have to work today. Now it's 8:00 and I have nothing to do all day. Once I'm up, I'm up. It sucks, but that's what happens to me. Unlike Guy who has his entire day planned out for him by a mouth-watering secretary, I have an entire day of scrolling down Pinterest, stalking people on Facebook, and searching You-tube for videos of Jennifer Lawrence. (seriously, this girl is hilarious.) A few days prior to this, I decided I was going to be more proactive in my search to find meaningful and/or entertaining things to do with my day that don't require me to be glued to a computer, eye-bags turning a deep shade of purple and a string of drool down to my keyboard like some 21st century Izombie. Day one:gardening. I got on my dirtiest pair of khaki pants and my least favorite of my sweater-vests and put my ipod to my "indie" playlist and went outside to begin work. I went out to the shed to find some hoes (haha, I'll let you visualize the other meaning of that sentence for a second...ok, you back? moving on.) and some shovels or something, and found a cute, little box with a bunch of...pipes or something in it. So I emptied out all of the plastic-pipe looking things and put together my own "gardening box." I gathered up some seeds, potting soil, gloves and a small shovel (apparently these are called spades...you know...like on the playing cards) Then I headed out to the sad little piece of dirt and rocks that would be called my new garden. The place I picked actually wasn't too bad. I had to remove some rocks, weeds, and grass to get to the dirt, but managed to finally get some earth for my garden. "let's see...radishes. Radishes sound great." So, I opened the little packet of radish seeds and realized that they are really small! Amazing that a radish can come from something so small...(then I thought of how small babies are and how small kittens are and how cute it would be if I got a kitten and it had white paws, but a black body and I could name it mittens. AWW! Sorry...gardening, right.) Not knowing how to plant seeds, I just dug a hole and put like 5 seeds in the hole. Then I read the back of the packet: "best time to plant is after the last frost; beginning of April or May." I guess I'll be back out in a month to start gardening. Day Two: Running.I thought it might be kinda sexy to do some running. I mean, you see those guys in the commercials running shirtless on the beach and they are super hot, right? so I put on my new Adias shoes (okay...thrift store shoes, but they're new to me!) and put on some jean shorts and my tightest fitting T-shirt, put my ipod to my "dance, dance" playlist and started my run. Cut to me ten minutes later heaving back into my house, drool and spit hanging from my mouth, feet swelling to the size of large cantaloupes, Buddha belly hanging out of my WAY too small to be sexy t-shirt, heaving like an asthmatic 82 year old who started smoking 4 packs a day since he was 12, and smelling of sweat and tears and shame. I crawled my way to the bathroom and as I began to heave violently, I thought about my 10 minute run from hell. "maybe I shouldn't have eaten that McDonalds big breakfast with the side of pancakes and two glasses of orange juice." Such has also been my experience with other things that I'm trying to find to do. Read a book: fell asleep, Go shopping: broke, build a snowman: no snow, sing: terrible voice, take a nap: see 'read a book' I wish I had a life that was scheduled from moment to moment. But then I might miss out on the little things that come up. My sister invited me to go get some breakfast. My uncle and I had a talk about spiritual defenses. My dad and I went and got girl scout cookies. All of these were unplanned opportunities to strengthen my relationships around me. Relationships that are more important than some blonde haired, blue eyed secretary and a morbid breakfast with the Burton-Bonham-Carters. These unexpected moments in life are what make a life one worth living. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't schedule too much into our lives that miss out on the opportunities to really live.

Well, I'm back from the dead...almost quite literally. I was ill for about 2 weeks. Being sick is the WORST. It's not cute. I watched "you've got mail." Meg Ryan, you are a liar. I wish I looked as good as Meg Ryan when I was sick. I wish I looked as fabulous as Emily Blunt did in "Devil Wears Prada" when she was sick. She did have the right description about my illness though, "It's like death, warmed up." It's such an inconvenience. It's like the universe is telling you, "you need to take it easy. You need to relax. You need the flu." Well you know what, universe? I'm not going to do that! I'm going to continue to go to work! I'm going to help my ex move! (another story entirely) I'm going to continue to dance and work out until I pass out! ...This is why I've been sick for 2 weeks. I've realized something, though, while I was confined to bed, watching "The Office" and tearing through a roll of toilet paper (I find toilet paper works better to blow your nose than flimsy Kleenex does...just something to keep in mind for your next cold.) I realized that my being sick wasn't the reason I wasn't doing anything with my life. I should explain maybe...At one point during my sickness, I shuffled out of the bathroom and into my room and took a look. I looked at my unmade bed that I would be plopping back into. I looked at the piles of laundry all over the floor, not remembering which pile was dirty and which was clean. I looked at my T.P.'d floor and the overflowing garbage. Then I yelled as loud as I could in my head, "I want my life back!!!" Then went back to sleep. I realized that being sick wasn't just the reason for me wanting my life back. I've been living at my parents for almost a month now and I am STILL not close to where I wanted to be. Of course, it helps to know WHERE you want to be and WHAT you want to do with your life. I'm still working on that. But, once I got better (thank you Sudafed and NyQuil.) I began figuring things out. I'm starting to go to church again, but I don't know that I want to be overly-religious. I was wanting to eat healthier, but I think that, instead, I'm just going to have a healthier view of my body (THAT one could take awhile.) I decided that I want to make my job my career and be there for the long haul. I love my job, why not stay there until I die? I also decided that I have a lot of friends that I'm neglecting. I'm a very independent person and hate making plans and committing to other people, but at this time in my life, I think that I need to be open to the idea of letting others in. So, instead of spending hours scrolling down pinterest (seriously... 'load more pins?' "why yes, of course, thank you.") I am working on going out with my family and inviting friends over for dinner. I even let my friends and family know how important they were to me on Facebook. (until Facebook kicked me off for 'suspicious activity.' Apparently you can't write nice things on 25 people's walls without sending up some red flags.) Now...am I where I want to be at in life? No. I still have a long way to go. My goal now is to enjoy the journey and try not to get sick again for a long time. Orange juice and multi-vitamins: I'm ready...