okay journal....Since no one is viewing this blog anymore, I figure I can just spill my thoughts out onto the web. That's safe, right? And since this blog started out as a sort of tell-all about the thoughts and fantasies that go on in my head, I figure this is something I could type here on this blog and it would maybe, kinda, sorta work. Anyways...
I actually haven't thought about it in awhile. I mean, not REALLY thought about it. That is probably a good thing, because it saves me from more tears and from a world of overthinking which, if I could put on a resume would get me instantly hired, or if it was a sport in the Olympics, I would get gold every year. I still do think about it sometimes though...I'm 33 and I'm still single. It's actually gotten to the point where I've been single for so long that I've kind of become more accustomed to being single than being with someone...and I WANT to be single. Trust me, it makes things a LOT easier for me that way. It makes it so that I don't have to think about what I want because I will never have what I want; at least in regards to my love life. Here's the thing: I'm gay. I'm also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have no desire to date a woman, to kiss a woman, or to make babies with a woman (Dianna Agron and Mary Elizabeth Winstead aside) I also have no desire to grow old with a man. I want a boyfriend until he's 40 and I'm no longer interested at which point we just become friends and hang out and watch movies and don't touch one another. I want to have a wife who I don't have sex with or make out with, but instead we hug and are best friends who grow old together and who hang out and watch movies and don't touch one another. I love serving in my church. I don't want to give up those opportunities because I decide to kiss a boy. I don't want to lose certain aspects of my religion and have a relationship with a guy only to have that relationship inevitably end and then I have to go through that WHOLE long process of coming back to full fellowship in the church again. That's assuming I even find a guy that I want. I'm picky.
I want a guy who enjoys jazz music and candles and a beautifully set out cheese tray. I want a guy who is funny, but doesn't know he's funny. I want a guy who has nice arms. I want a guy that, when he walks into the room or when I say his name, I smile. I want a guy who, when I walk into a room or when he says my name, HE smiles. I don't want a guy who goes to gay pride every year. I'm sorry. I realize it's a really important event for many LGBTQ individuals, but...it's just not something I'm into. I'd rather go to a movie with my partner and then go eat on a terrace overlooking a garden and then go home and listen to some jazz music and doing a puzzle. I want a guy who takes me on a date first. I don't want a guy who is interested in sex on a first date. Or a second date. Or a third date. Be classy. Be into me, because if i'm going out with you on a second or third date, believe me, I'm into you too. I want someone who is spiritual. By spiritual, I don't just mean someone who spends time in nature and thinks that is his "church". No. I want someone who actually goes to a church. I want someone who prays. I want a gay guy who is not angry at God (which is actually pretty hard to find) I don't want a guy who drinks other than maybe having a glass of wine on very rare occasions. (that is even HARDER to find. Why does it seem like all gay men drink. "congratulations on coming out of the closet, here's some alcoholic drinks! Collect them all, trade 'em with your friends!") That's only a few of the things I want from a guy. I haven't even BEGUN on my list of requirements for a girl.
I also am no stranger to the fact that I'm getting older and, with that, comes hair loss and weight gain and body creaking and an, "i'm sorry, the movie starts HOW late?" mentality. I constantly feel like my best years are behind me physically and that I'm less and less of a catch. I spent a week with a really attractive friend of mine. Do you know that two girls actually approached him and gave him their snap chat info. They actually came UP TO HIM and gave him their info, because he's just that attractive. I remember sitting at dinner one time with my ex and a friend of ours and the waiters were all looking at our friend. Finally, one waiter came over and said, "sorry, we just think you are really cute and were wondering if we could get your number." At work a few months ago, this girl gave a co-worker of mine her number because she thought he was cute (and he is, but that's not the point) My point here is that I have NEVER gotten somebody's number. No one has ever approached me. and the only people that have told me I'm cute were old ladies, my mom, a married girl (which was an awkward conversation) and the two ex's I've had. I don't know...I guess I just feel sorry for myself. Like...when I was 18 and hot why didn't I have more confidence and just go for it! Probably because I didn't want any girls numbers and the boys numbers that I wanted were either straight or painfully hiding in the closet until being gay became okay. You wanna know a secret, journal. I'm scared. I'm scared a lot and if I think about it too much it becomes TOO scary and TOO overwhelming and I get too emotional. I'm scared that no one wants me. I have friends, I'm not worried about that. I just don't think that anyone finds me attractive. I'm scared that I'm ugly and I reaffirm that 'fact' about me everyday when I look in the mirror and say, "wow, you're still fat. There goes more hair...what are you going to do to with your hair today to cover all those bald spots? Ew, you have an awful profile...you need to keep your head straight on. Your profile is ugly. Your nose, the scars on your head, your thin hair. You used to have a really nice jaw line before you got fat." These are the things I say to myself. When a cute boy or a cute girl is around I feed myself some more words, "wow, look at his body. You're fat. He doesn't want a chubber, he wants someone he can go to the gym with." "oh man, look at her beautiful face and eyes. She's married. For sure she's married. or 18. Pretty girls are either Mormon married at 19 or they are divorced at 22 with a child...I could handle divorced and with a child...wow, your kinda acting like a dick right now... and what does that matter anyways, she doesn't like you. You're ugly. and you're old. They want your attractive, younger co worker" (and then they give him their number) "see, told you. You're no longer wanted. You're not a hot commodity. You're a middle aged 33 year old with a dad bod at best who's working for 11 bucks an hour and living in your sister's basement. Give up." And I tell myself this every day. EVERY day. Usually multiple times daily.
So...what's the solution? Be happy being single. And I am. No awkward first date. No wondering if they are going to call you back. No wondering how you are going to tell them, "yeah...i'm just not that into you." No first kisses. No first fights. No wondering if you are going to get along with their family. Sole control over what I watch on Netflix. More money cuz I don't have to spend it on someone else... It's just easier this way.
Do I still think about the man of my dreams? Yes. Do I still think that maybe some girl is going to come along and she'll be the exception and I'll fall madly in love with her and want to be with her and have four kids (one girl, two twin boys, and then another girl) and live happily ever after? Yeah. But I try not think about too often. Cuz it's pointless. Useless. Think realistically. You're going to be single forever and you need to try and learn to be okay with that. If anyone else is, by some miracle, reading this and they are lonely, just like I am...feel free to text me or talk to me or type me an email or something. I know where you are coming from, I know what you are going through, and though I, obviously can't give you advice (as this HIGHLY optimistic blog post has shown) I can tell you that I'm sorry and that I love you. I may not know what it feels like to have someone want me romantically, but I DO know what it is like to be loved. I have so many that love me and care about me. I also have God and Christ who care about me. But if you don't believe in Them...and if you don't believe anyone cares about you...I do.
