"What's one thing that no one knows about you?" My response: "Nobody knows the real me, because I don't act like me unless I'm by myself." Alright, the last few days I was thinking over my blog and I was looking at my Facebook and was considering my relationship with others and I thought about a few things. I think that everyone could say that about themselves, "I am most myself when I am BY myself." We all hide a part or parts of us from others. I don't know your reasons, but mine? My reasons are so that people won't hate me. So that people won't laugh at me. So that people won't be embarrassed for me. And so that people don't assume I am just this one thing or that one thing. So, like me, we all share what we think others can handle. We post pictures that are appropriate or that don't show us crying because we are alone or we don't post pictures of us smoking marijuana or we don't tweet that we just ate our six year old daughter's last two pieces of chocolate because "she won't know any better if I lie to her." There are things we just don't share with the world because of what they will think of us. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't know if it's a good thing that ALL of the things we do aren't directly fed to the internet or projected to people. The good thing about this is that we may have gone to a stip club once, felt awful about it and never did it again and, because we have privacy, we can move on with our lives and are free to make mistakes. I think that's why celebrities go crazy sometimes because they can't privately move on from mistakes they've made. (It's okay Vanessa Hudgens, almost everyone forgot about your pics) The bad thing about not having your whole life public is that sometimes, people are silently wonderful. We can't see our Grandfather holding our Granmother's hand while they watch a movie together, but maybe we see them argue at a family dinner. We can't see our tough-guy brother stop and wait for a family of ducks to cross the road or talk baby talk to his pet kitten when he's home alone, but maybe we are angry with him for calling us queer and mocking us for crying when we fall down. We don't know how often our unhappy and unkind neighbor laughs while playing with her grandchildren. We can't be sure how often the sexist, vulgar man at work reads his scriptures and feels ridiculous for being "that guy" at work. Heaven knows I've made mistakes and am so glad that I can come back from those mistakes and resolve to do better. So let's not judge others for the mistakes that they make or for being the way that "they are" when we see them at work or at a family picnic or when we see them on the street. Because maybe that is not the way "they are" but it is the only way they know how "to be" at that moment. The real reason for this post is that I'm wonderful. I'm fantastic, hilarious, witty, kind, and caring. I'm also selfish, self-centered but at the same time self-loathing and terribly unkind to myself. I'm brutally aware of my shortcomings and beat myself up mentally and verbally all the time. I love my eyes, but I hate my nose. I sound 'uber gay' sometimes (especially when Rosalind Russell is brought up...which is...never cuz no one knows who that is. But...definitely when The Sims is brought up) but in my head I sometimes sound like a really hot, straight guy. There is so much about me that no one knows. But sometimes, I feel like well...Sandra Bullock, or Lucy Moderatz as it were, said it perfectly: "Have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with." I've always loved that line. But there's this other part of me that thinks, "if they really knew what I was like, they would laugh at me or worse, they wouldn't laugh at me, but be repulsed or annoyed by me." As I was thinking about it, I decided, 'you know, a good way to determine what people's reactions to the real me would be is to act like the real me" but that's too scary. So I decided upon the next best thing; I can type about what the real me is like a little bit. I mean, this method works all the time with online dating and texting. People feel more free to say things and be a certain way online where it is not so scary than being themselves in front of actual people. So here's a little bit about the real me.... *sigh *nervously scans room "focus!! You can do this!" *summons up courage.... A bit about myself: I have regular interviews with Ellen Degeneres and the ladies from the view in my head. I lip-sync in a very extreme way to the songs "bosom buddies," "Romeo and Juliet," and "I'm the Greatest Star." So much so, that it would appear to some that I'm auditioning for the very roles of Vera Charles, Jimmy Harper, or Fanny Brice. There is at least one time each day where I imagine different 'meet cutes' for my future wife and I. I secretly really wish to be an interior designer, but do not want to fail and I know that I am too lazy to accomplish schooling in that field, so I don't pursue it. Also, I don't think there would be a market for me where I live. I feel this same way about being an actor. Also if I became an actor I would become a terrible person I can almost guarantee it. It is my honest belief that God is keeping me poor so that I, once again, don't become a terrible person. I have never eaten beets, because they sound absolutely disgusting. I get confused by them, however because they look like that cranberry sauce that you get in a can and I love that stuff. So...I WANT to eat beets if they taste like that canned cranberry sauce, but I know that they won't...beets make me angry. I am honest to a fault. In fact, I will tell people things and I get a bit confused when they get offended because I wasn't trying to be offensive, I was being honest. "Brent, do you think Greg and I would make a good match?" "No, you need attention and Greg is hilarious and I think you would feel like you weren't getting enough attention as Greg, because he would make more people laugh than you." "Oh...wow...that was brutal..." And then I get that confused look again. I'm just being honest. Greg's hilarious. That girl would have an awful time with him trying to compete for attention. This is truth, not offensive. I also get a confused face for a second when people laugh at me because I'm trying to figure out if I said something funny or just super embarrassing that made them laugh. Either way, I shake it off and laugh and hope that it was just that I said something amusing. I think I'm hilarious and I think I'm the only one that thinks I'm funny so I get a bit thrown off when other people say "you're funny." "no, I'm not. Only I think I'm funny." That probably doesn't make sense. I will spend hours at night having conversations with people at work, family, clergy, or even famous people that are ONLY happening in my head. None of these conversations have ever actually happened and I never expect them to happen, but they make me feel better. I'm seriously worried that my kids are going to be kids and I'm going to forget that they are 4 and that I'm going to become really angry with them when they don't understand that you don't hit someone else or that you don't whine. Children acting like children make me frustrated. So my kid better have a 40 year old soul and act like a responsible and reasonably thinking adult...or else I'm going to have to make some serious changes in my life and in my thinking. Changes I don't want to make because I'm selfish...I don't want to have kids if they are going to act like kids and that makes me instantly sad. I will never say "I love you" to anyone. If I do, I'm saying it because you said it to me first and or because I feel like that is what you need to hear. I'm an open book. Seriously, ask me anything about myself and I will tell you about myself. I'm narcissistic in that regard. I love talking about myself. (hence this last paragraph) Don't let that fool you though, I love trying to understand other people. Their reactions to things, their thoughts on lust, jealousy, drama, goals, music, movies, or anything really (except for politics and abortion...just don't talk to me about either) People who don't believe in God confuse me more than almost anything else in this world. In fact, once I find out that someone is an atheist, I have a hard time looking at them without feeling totally sad. I don't hate them, I love them and want to help them, but know that they will not accept help because they know that they don't need any help. I love dancing. I can not dance as I've had no formal training and any time that I dance it ends up just looking like a male stripper (it really is not my intention, but the few people I have seriously danced in front of tell me that I look like a male stripper. This makes me happy to know that they think I'm sexy, but a half a second later I just get horrified that I will never be able to dance in public without people thinking I had a very shady past as an 'entertainer.') I also love singing and sometimes love 'hitting the notes' that are being sung in a song. Then I tell myself, 'calm down; don't get cocky, you actually suck and if people were listening to you right now and were honest, they would tell you the same thing' I am not good at anything. Seriously, I'm not being an attention seeker, I just honestly am not good at anything. There are things that I can DO, yes, but there is nothing that I can do WELL. I can ALWAYS tell you how I am not good at whatever you tell me I'm good at. "you are so good at cooking" "nope, yesterday I tried mixing watermelon and curry paste and it did not go over well." "you are good at art" "nope, that picture of a cat that you liked was actually a picture of a bowl of fruit so, jokes on you" Alright, there's a little about me. Honest things about me. Your turn. "I wanna see you be brave." Do it today. Be TOTALLY honest with someone today. Tell them that they are such a wonderful friend, but that you really are worried about their boyfriend and that you feel they could be so much happier. While taking out the garbage, go ahead and sing out loud to your favorite Justin Bieber song with no regrets; don't just sing it in your head. And you can dance too, that's okay. Go ahead and show your co-worker the cute pictures you took of your cat dressed up as Dorothy from 'the wizard of oz.' Maybe he'll think that you're adorable for taking pics of your cat you dressed up. Maybe he'll make sure to change cubicles so he never has to be around you...at least you shared what you love. Whatever it is; whatever you feel is your unfinished business, your hidden talent, or your big secret, share it. I think you'll like it.